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February 05, 2016

The Superbowl is an American Holiday, so why doesn't your job understand?! Follow these subtle hints to call out sick on Monday!

All American Holidays have an excess of 3 things:food, alcohol, and talking shit about football. So explain to me why I don’t have off the day after the Superbowl- because that’s actually my religion, why doesn’t NYU Hospital understand that!? My boss may not have approved my time off, so I did the next simple thing and just left subtle hints to call out sick the week before. So they think I am actually sick and not just from screaming obscenities at Peyton Manning. Because after all, what American holiday is complete without screaming at people in a room and a ton of alcohol! Here are simple tips so you can call out of work on Monday:

1. Cough loudly and inappropriately at work, at the worst times possible.
As soon as your boss calls on you at a meeting,or when you pick up that 9-1-1 call because you are an operator, cough as loudly and as long as you can. Who cares if it wastes time, THIS IS THE SUPERBOWL?! Do this 5x a day, for the entire week leading up to the Superbowl. People will be concerned about your health and understand that you are sick on Monday and not just sick of the way the 2 point penalty kick went off.
2. Cry At Your Desk, and Just Say the Word Family
Remember the less specifics the better, because you are lying. Cry as loudly as you can and make sure you look terrible. If you can’t cry on command use eye drops and look at the person next to you as one tear drop falls down your face and just say the word “family”. People will get uncomfortable and not ask questions, but knows something is probably wrong …which is an acceptable excuse to call out of work, unlike the fact that you drunkenly ate 100 wings by yourself. Remember, you don’t have time to be a good person or do the right thing, THIS IS THE SUPERBOWL.

3. My Fiance Called Off The Engagement!
The week leading up to the Super Bowl put up framed photos of you and your partner, even if they are fake stock photos online, and mention that you can’t go to happy hour because you are cake tasting for your big day. Emphasize how you would be distraught if anything were to change, because you are in love! When you call in to work on Monday crying that you are not emotionally to come back to work people will feel sorry for you and not just because you got into a drunken fight with a bar patron who tried to talk shit about Russell Wilson, I mean he is dating Ciara why don’t people appreciate this!

Remember this is the Super Bowl, it happens once a year, where your job happens every day, drink to oblivion, eat more wings than you’ve had in your entire life and call out, life is short!