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January 22, 2015
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Pope Francis Tells Catholics They Don't Need To Reproduce 'Like Rabbits' But Which Animal Should They Reproduce Like Instead?

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Pope Francis made a statement recently reaffirming the Catholic church’s ban on artificial means of birth control but emphasized the need for “responsible parenting” using church approved methods for regulating births and saying that Catholics don’t need to “be like rabbits” when it comes to family planning.

I grew up in a very Catholic family in a very Catholic neighborhood in a very Catholic city, so rabbit-like reproduction is the type of reproduction I’m most familiar with. But with the Pope’s new statement, it got me thinking about other animals I could use as models for how I should procreate.


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The Rabbit Model of Reproduction
Constantly and with great energy and enthusiasm (this one we all know).

Associated with: Catholics and families who need help farming their land.

Avg. # of kids: 8-10


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The Manatee Model of Reproduction
Very lazily and without much effort by either partner. This is mainly a roll on top, finish, and roll off situation.

Associated with: stoners and people who are over it or really just couldn’t be bothered

Avg. # of kids: 1


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The Giraffe Model of Reproduction
Awkwardly and never quite getting into a position that’s comfortable for either partner. Procreation always sounds like a good idea, but when they get into the actual act it feels forced and unsatisfying (mainly due to long gangly necks and legs).

Associated with: Protestants, surprisingly.

Avg. # of kids: 3


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The House Cat Model of Reproduction
A laissez-faire attitude toward reproducing. They get to it eventually but not before they scope out what the heck else is going on around here. The actual act is generally intense and can be confused with pain or violent aggression to onlookers but rest assured, they’re both enjoying it.

Associated with: The proud and the curious

Avg. # of kids: 2


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The 300-Toothed Frilled Shark Model of Reproduction
Terrifying for both partners, this method is rare and literally always unsuccessful. Hesitant at first and then once you see your partner you run away and have nightmares for months.

Associated with: Skittish gollums and frightening loners

Avg. # of kids: 0


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The Grizzly Bear Model of Reproduction
Hot, sexy, and down for anything, reproducing like a grizzly bear is the best! There are 0 “no’s,” only “yes-and’s” in the grizzly bear marital bed, where trust, care, and continual checking in with the needs of your partner and yourself are the only things that are givens. Also associated with the pull out method of birth control which, you know, is fun but dicey.

Associated with: People comfortable in their own skin and trusting of their partner.

Avg. # of kids: 3-4

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