This week’s tweets are like sunshine on a cloudy day.
Donald Trump has just appointed the bees from My Girl as Secretary of State— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 15, 2016
BREAKING: Director of National Intelligence resigns because there no longer is any— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) November 17, 2016
When I'm president here's what my transition team will look like: pic.twitter.com/yNxnW4iJ4Y— Casey James Salengo (@caseyJsalengo) November 16, 2016
Ben Carson declined a White House position so he could continue his lifelong passion of having his number called in a deli & not responding.— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) November 15, 2016
Hey media, referring to Steve Bannon as "former Goldman Sachs exec" is like referring to Charles Manson as "former singer/songwriter"— Daniel Powell (@danieljpowell) November 14, 2016
Tom Petty: I won't back down.— Amy (@MsFoxIfUrNasty) November 13, 2016
Tom Pettier: Dude! I thought of that line first.
Tom Pettiest: Fuck you both! I just bought licensing rights.
Imagine having a friend who is referred to as "the space cowboy" and "the gangster of love" yet thinking, "dude needs a third nickname."— Mike (@MikeOdenthal) November 2, 2016
LIFE HACK: Try to spend a minute a day taking personal responsibility.— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) November 17, 2016
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 15, 2016
Mournfully singing "Hallelujah" in front of the AMC until the manager lets me bring a Kroger rotisserie chicken into Dr. Strange.— Matt Christman (@cushbomb) November 13, 2016
how is the #1 porn site on the web not called the internut— miel (@miel) November 18, 2016
why my cinnamon role look like ET— JJ (@scheffyy) November 16, 2016
bus a nut pic.twitter.com/P5osKaQcwc
House Hunters: Where a 23yo sous chef & his wife the kooky freelance artist have a loose budget of $750K plus renovations.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 14, 2016
getting mad thinking about how there are dogs who know facts i don’t know, like a polish dog who knows the polish word for “treat”— cofounder of my ass (@bobby) November 15, 2016
i would NEVER fuck david blaine. he'd come crawling out of my pussy like 5 years after we broke up or some weird shit. no thank u. im scared— SadeVEVO (@fillegrossiere) November 17, 2016
A duck is just a floating kazoo.— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 15, 2016
a fun thing to do when your wife asks u to kill a spider is to smash it w/ ur fists over & over while sobbing about how ur dad didn't love u— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 9, 2016
The Elf on a Shelf always looks like he's asking for a consensual spanking. pic.twitter.com/d9gbrZh5tz— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) November 17, 2016
I am "enjoys a nice wedge salad" years old.— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) November 16, 2016
Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.— Michael (@Home_Halfway) November 15, 2016
Me: *briefly stops thinking about tomorrow*— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 11, 2016
Fleetwood Mac: Dude, what the fuck??
I bet Bono's email address is YouTwo@sbcglobal.net— Jeremy Rowley (@Jeremy_Rowley) November 18, 2016
I hate it when there are children screaming for help in the background of my snapchat videos— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 17, 2016
10 GIFs You Have To See Before We Give Your Daughter Back— Phil Stamato (wow!) (@pstamato) November 2, 2016
Any mat can be a yoga mat if you roll it up, set it in the corner and never touch it again.— Be The Cookie (@BeTheCookie) November 17, 2016
If you're havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) September 4, 2016
If my shampoo says "No Tears" then why do I still cry myself to sleep lmao answer me that— Tyler Gagan (@gylertagan) November 12, 2016