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Published July 09, 2014

An Open Letter to Paris Hilton, RE: ‘Come Alive’

Originally published on thedeandissatisfaction.tumblr.com


Before I start this letter, I would like to share with the world this humongous pile of diseased toenail that has been released unto the world by millionaire heiress, socialiteand general crust magnet, Paris Hilton:

Dear Miss Hilton,

I’m surprised I’m even in any condition at all to be writing this as merely seconds ago I waslistening to your latest brain-melting venture into music, Come Alive. I speak on behalf ofwhat I’m sure is the entire population that doesn’t still wear Dora The Explorer underwear(except from hot, nerdy, weirdly small chicks that wear them ironically), when I ask thequestion, why do you keep doing this to us?

I get that you have money. I get that you can do what you want. But does your life really“get crazy sometimes”? To the extent at which you need to awkwardly force these feelingsinto a song like a toddler trying to ram the square block through the triangle hole? I’m sureyou, like, love music and that it’s, like, totally, like your life or whatever, but please, for thesake of humanity, and for the sake of whatever cultural dent we may be leaving on thisuniverse, please just stop it.

Now I know you’re probably sitting there, reading this (because who wouldn’t take criticaladvice from someone who once tripped over, causing his entire bottom half of clothing tocome completely off) and thinking ‘why me?’, ‘why is he being so cruel when all I’m doingis trying to diffuse feelings of love and possibility while I ride on this harsh, tumultuousjourney called life?’. I’ll tell you why, Paris. You could actually do something worthwhilewith your position in life. Let others thrive. Use your money and your influence to letgenuinely creative, talented people bring what they love to the world.

In other words, give me $50,000 so that I can make a web series about elderly lesbians.

Yours truly,
Henry Dean, and the human race.

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