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March 19, 2016

Stock Market Tips from the Devil.


Luce F.R.

Luce F. R. founded Satanwater Destructive Capital shortly after he realized it was a more effective way to transmit his message than demon possession or getting Eve to tempt Adam with forbidden fruit. The investment firm serves a wide range of hell-bound clients and also manages funds for questionable central banks and seedy foreign governments.

S.D.C. applies a global pitchfork investing approach. New investment opportunities are located by peering into the souls of the doomed. The hedge fund returned as much as 666% last year—and that’s including the capital gains tax it never paid.

Here are Luce F.R.’s larges positions and the reasons we feel they will continue to produce out-sized returns.


Envirusment (ENV)

Envirusment is the fourth largest position in the SDC portfolio.The company acts like a virus in the environment, dumping toxic chemicals into rivers, engaging in large-scale deforestation, and burning inconceivable quantities of fossil fuel. Its products and services aim to completely destroy the Bosawas Biosphere Reserve, pollute Glacier Bay, Alaska,and expedite the melting of the polar caps. Analysts have pegged ENV’s growth of evil rate at an average of a googolplex per year, although that number may rise once they single-handedly melt the ozone. Former fund managers Bernie Madoff and Raj Rajaratnam have not only invested heavily in ENV, but, from the confines of jail, are negotiating deals to become official corporate sponsors.


Profit From Killing Helpless Civilians (PFKHC)

Profit From Killing Helpless Civilians is the twelfth largest position in SDC’s portfolio. Wait. My bad. They just killed the statistician.They are now the third largest position in the SDC portfolio.

PFKHC manufactures, licenses, and distributes defense technology specifically-designed to assassinate the innocent:Nursery-School-Targeted PAC-3Missiles (NSTPAC-3), CUL8TR Bystander Drones(CUL8TRBD’s); Big Brother Assasination-Targeting Surveillance Systems(BBATSS); Church-Detonating Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles (CDICBM’s), and the B87, a variable-yield nuclear gravity bomb that it routinely tests on its own employees.

In order to boost EPS in the coming quarter it has recently considered innovative strategies such as selling its entire catalogue of highly-lethal weaponry directly to the leaders of Isis and Al-Qaeda. Isis, in fact, intends to use some of this technology in their next promotional video—as they feel it will be an even better recruitment technique than routine be headings.

PFKHC pays a dividend of 14.7 % (on a murder of innocents ratio of 82%). This trounces the company’s peers Lockheed Martin and The North Korean Government, which yield 5% (on a meager 14% murder of innocents ratio) and indentured servitude to The Supreme Leader of North Korea respectively.

On the horizon for PFKHC is a new version of the suitcase nuclear bomb, tentatively titled the “toothbrush-holder nuke.” Colgate will sell it at Duane Reade. The ghosts of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden are huge fans of the stock.


International Youth Exploitation Partners (IYSP)

Luce F. R. increased his stake in International Youth Exploitation Partners last quarter. It is now SDC’s second largest position.

IYEP exploits labor laws, the desperation of indigenous populations, and the U.S. position of global dominance to provide a highly productive army of child slaves. IYEP has a market cap of 42 billion, which is also the number of children it puts to work each year in poorly-ventilated coalmines.

IYEP hopes to continue to grow corporate profitability by implementing such efficiency-improving strategies as public whippings, the elimination of bathroom breaks, and the amputation of wayward limbs.

Goldman Sachs recently boosted its rating on the company to “strong buy.” They laud IYEP’s “impressive track record in El Salvador” and its“commitment to revitalizing fascism.” Other analysts forecast that IYEP will expand its EPS at an average rate of 12% per year, largely through the periodic whackings of Human Rights and S.E.C. officials. Dennis Kozlowski, the former C.E.O. of Tyco, is a major investor in the company.


Fleece Your Own Corporation Incorporated (FYOCI)

Fleece Your Own Corporation Incorporated is the largest position in SDC’s portfolio. It was created so that those in the C-Suite and on the board—among them Luce F. R.—can profit from the fools working beneath them. FYOCI is a generator of neatly packaged lies, thoughtful manipulations, and a highly-sophisticated bonus structure that funnels all profits to the top.

The company had a market cap of 476 billion, but yesterday the C.E.O. spent it on a single vacation to Bora Bora. Analysts predict EPS will only rise if its engineers devise a new line of products that successfully screw the consumer—Plasma TV’s that melt, fuel-efficient cars that explode,planes incapable of leaving the runway etc.

One Credit-Suisse analyst predicts this will occur at a 47%growth rate, largely because he gets kickbacks from the executives at FYOCI. Another analyst committed suicide rather than admit FYOCI was the next Lehman Brothers. FYOCI is owned by Angelo Mozilo, former C.E.O. of Countrywide, and is considered a “huge winner,” by Donald Trump, who, as everyone knows, made the bulk of his fortune by fleecing his own bankrupt corporations.

Disclosure: I have no positions in any stocks mentioned and no plans to initiate any in the next few lifetimes.