Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 19, 2015

Satellites have captured an amazing image of twin typhoons headed towards Southeast Asia and Japan and they look just like a pair of boobs.


Typhoon Boobs, ready to be fondled.
Image via earth.nullschool.net.

Satellites have captured an amazing image of twin typhoons headed towards Southeast Asia and Japan. Typhoon Goni and Typhoon Atsani are both currently categorized as Category 4 typhoons, with winds reaching over 135 mph, but are expected to gain strength and reach super-typhoon status by Thursday.

We have the typhoon’s weather report from weather.com. And hey, weather.com — you’ve got boobies on your homepage!

Good afternoon from weather.com! I’m senior weatherman Guy Thunderström with your international weather report. Two Category 4 typhoons named Goni and Atsani are expected to make landfall later this week in Southeast Asia and Japan.

Wait. Are you seeing what I’m seeing? These twin typhoons totally look like a pair of boobs! Holy shit! These typhoon boobs are hot! And they’re about to unleash a typhoon boob fury upon you.

Anyhow! Both Typhoon Goni and Typhoon Atsani are Category 4 storms, so that means they are large and powerful. Like a huge set of gazongas! No, these are not itty-bitty typhoon titties. We’re talking major typhoon jugs here. When people talk about “kahunas,” they are definitely referring to these Category 4 typhoon boobs. And they’re sitting right in the Pacific Ocean of Boobs — a great place to go motorboating! Bbbbrrrrrrbbbbrrrrrr!

Ehem, but back to the weather report! Atsani, the stronger of the two typhoons, is churning several hundred miles to the east of Goni, the slightly weaker typhoon. Sorry, I just can’t focus with these typhoon boobs distracting me! All I want to do is reach out and cup them in my hands. To be honest, I’ve always thought that even just a single typhoon looks like a boob by itself. But two typhoons next to each other? Side by side? Hello! They’re twins! Which is another term for boobs! Round, beautiful, perky boobs … the right one slightly bigger and hanging slightly lower than the left one …

Shit. Where was I? Focus, Guy! Um, the eye of Typhoon Goni is located in the western Pacific ocean, about 600 miles east-southeast of Taipei, Taiwan. Look, I know we call it the “eye” of the storm, but let’s be real. It’s more of a “nipply center.” That’s where all the action is! A nipply center that puckers perfectly in bright red intensity and is begging to be sucked.

Oh, wow, and the more I look at them, the more these typhoons boobs remind me of Rebeccah’s boobs. Rebeccah and I only hooked up a couple of times, but what a woman. She sure was a real hurricane in the bedroom. Sigh.

The International Weather Service is recommending that anyone in Southeast Asia and Japan prepare for these dangerous storms and batten down the hatches. Because just like Rebeccah, these typhoon boobs are going to blow right into the Asian people’s lives and then quickly exit, leaving behind a complete path of destruction and extreme sadness in their wake. Rebeccah and her great set of boobs took good ole Guy Thunderström’s heart and decimated it with their gale-force emotional winds. Someone should have sent out a typhoon advisory to my heart! I still cry myself to sleep every night thinking about that woman.

That’s the international weather report! I’m Guy Thunderström for weather.com. And Rebeccah, if you’re out there: I still miss your boobs. In the meantime, I’ll be nestling my face right between Goni and Atsani.