Nazis are back in the news! BUMMER. We’re all dealing with this bullshit in different ways. I’m watching movies where Nazis get their asses kicked. Here’s a few you can check out if you feel like doing the same.
1) Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Inglorious Basterds is Quentin Tarantino’s World War II Nazi-killing extravaganza starring Brad Pitt and co-starring Brad Pitt’s accent. If you like movies where Nazis die, it doesn’t get much better than this. After an opening scene that adequately establishes how horrific the murderous crimes of the Nazis were during The Holocaust, the rest of the film follows Aldo Raine (Pitt) leading his team of Jewish soldiers on a ruthless quest of righteous retribution that serendipitously crosses paths with another group fighting the good fight. It’s a damn good time; especially with the artistic license Basterds takes regarding certain key deaths that I won’t ruin if you haven’t seen it yet. Tarantino’s last line of dialogue gives a well-deserved wink that this might just be his masterpiece.
2) Green Room (2015)
Green Room is a recent horror film about modern-day Nazis that is now unfortunately less scary than what’s in the news. A struggling punk band finds themselves struggling more than usual after playing a show at a Nazi compound in the woods and WHOOPS! witnessing a murder they were never meant to see. Don’t you just hate when that happens? Green Room clocks in at a tight 95 minutes and wastes no time killing the same type of sad, misguided Nazi losers marching around U.S. streets in 2017. Just be warned that you’ll never be able to look at Patrick Stewart the same again.
3) The Rocketeer (1991)
You might not remember this about Disney’s The Rocketeer, but it’s actually a movie about whooping Nazi ass. That explains all the Rocketeer toys I got for Hanukkah that year! Honestly, all I recall about this movie was a dude flying around on a jetpack. It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen in my short life at that point and still holds up on a re-watch I did to write this article. But it turns out that jetpack was invented by Howard Hughes to thwart Hitler’s plan to send flying jetpack Nazis all over the world. Seriously. Here’s an actual scene from the film you probably forgot.
I love that they had to use Disney animators for that. As a kid I just wrote the bad guys off as generic evil dudes. I definitely didn’t understand what a terrifying game changer jet-propelled Nazis would be. This movie is still a blast and it’s one of the few Disney movies where a lot of people die. Some of them are even card-carrying Nazis! Also, a story about a guy willing to strap some nonsense to his back just to make a buck and impress his girlfriend in Los Angeles is unfortunately still just as relevant today as it was in the 1930’s. The only thing that’s changed is the nonsense and cost of rent.
4) Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Spielberg brought dinosaurs back to life and gave us the most touching alien movie of all time (with one of the coolest ride lines in theme park history), but my favorite cinematic feat he’s ever accomplished was bringing the Battle of Normandy to life in Saving Private Ryan. It’s a chaotic, gruesome, and SPOILER ALERT ultimately triumphant encounter with a bunch of Nazis on a beach. The rest of the movie has bursts of action, but nothing compared to that unbelievable opening scene. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to defeat another group of fascists: The Academy Awards who gave Best Picture to Shakespeare In Love that year.
5) Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Whether he’s fighting terrorists on Air Force One or the Imperial Army on the Death Star, Harrison Ford’s fists have never been on the wrong side of history. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the first film in the Indiana Jones franchise and pits Indy against the most clear evil known to man: Nazis. Remember when everyone knew Nazis were bad? I remember! Feels like it was just last year. Oh, right. It was. This movie opens with that iconic massive ball threatening to crush our hero and ends with Nazis literally getting their faces melted off. It’s fucking awesome cover to cover and you can stream it right now if you have Amazon Prime. Then you can order a bullwhip, sick hat, and archaeologist satchel delivered to your home in two business days with free shipping. I also like to add a few scented candles to every order because I’m worth it.
6) The Great Escape (1963)
While many of the American soldiers in The Great Escape are ultimately unsuccessful in their attempts to escape death at the hands of their Nazi captors, they do get the drop on those assholes by managing to initially escape a concentration camp. How do they do it? Teamwork, ingenuity, and a love of baseball. It couldn’t be more American if they tried. And while most of them did SPOILER ALERT die, their escape resulted in multiple Nazi guards being killed for letting it happen. So there’s that, which is nice. This true story starring Steve McQueen has some extremely iconic scenes and maybe the best score ever. If the time comes in the very near future when we have to come together once again to beat the shit out of Nazis, I’ll be on the front lines playing The Great Escape theme on my Bluetooth speaker.
7) American History X (1998)
To be fair, American History X is a little less “fun” than the other movies on the list. Unless you’re a really sick fuck, then it’s the only fun movie here. But it’s still really good! And important. It’s probably the best thing you can watch (that’s not the news) to remind yourself that Nazis VERY MUCH still exist! And they’re not some fringe contingent in the middle of nowhere. They are extremely organized and in major cities. They’re your neighbors and they go to school with your kids. This movie kicks Nazi ass in a different way: By erasing taught hate through learning about our human commonalities. What a great message! Also, you might get prison raped (editor’s note: not the type of ass beating I was initially referring to when I started writing this article) or murdered because you’re a Nazi. Also not a bad message. Why? Because NAZIS CAN FUCK OFF AND DIE. Seriously. If you claim to be a Nazi, or you march with Nazis, you deserve to get your shit extremely fucked up. The whole world literally fought a war over this. So before you start posting dumb comments (I read all your comments) about free speech and BLAH FUCKING BLAH let me assure you that freedom of speech does not protect you when you start talking about radical hate and mass extermination. A lot of good people fought and died for that exact reason! So just stop it please! Notice how a Nazi won’t just stop it when you say, “So just stop it please!” That’s why we have to physically beat their asses. Every last one. It’s unfortunately the only thing fascism understands. Isn’t this a comedy website? I should probably write some jokes here. Uh … Why did the Nazis cross the road? To spread hate and try to kill anyone they perceive to be genetically inferior, let’s go kick their asses. Perfect. It feels good to laugh again!