Adam Levine is the singer for Maroon 5, an American pop band that makes songs most known for Levine’s distinctive (personal preference: very annoying) falsetto voice. Whether you love Maroon 5’s music or hate it or have no opinion whatsoever, I think we can all agree that no one should be physically attacked because of it.
Adam Levine was physically attacked with a bag of sugar yesterday. While signing autographs after leaving Jimmy Kimmel’s studios, some 30-year-old man hurled a big chunk of powdered sugar and hit Levine in the face and all down his sweater and arm. Remember: Physical attacks are never funny so stop laughing at this.
Whoever this unnamed 30-year-old man is, he was clearly trying to make a statement. You might think that the sugar attack was a simple prankster taking a cue from Maroon 5’s popular song “Sugar.” But, me being a rabid conspiracy theorist, I gotta think it goes much deeper than that. Here are a few theories I put together.
1. The most obvious theory is that Adam Levine has angered someone at Big Sugar. The sugar industry is power hungry, super paranoid, and has run virtually unchecked across American culture for the past 30 years. As a notoriously physically fit man, Big Sugar might be trying to take down famous non-fatso’s one by one in their quest to make all of America obese, diabetic, and addicted to their sweet debilitating product.
2. Less likely but still possible, the sugar-throwing man loves Adam Levine so much that he wants to eat him and he needed a lot of sugar to make Levine taste good. Sugar has become so pervasive in the American diet — due mainly to the American government’s inability to keep sugar and lower priced, modified sugar substitutes like corn syrup out of our food, or at least force giant monopolizing food corporations to be upfront and honest with consumers about what is in their food and just how harmful to our bodies those ingredients can be — that the sugar thrower, much like your average American, couldn’t dream of eating anything not covered in some kind of sweetener.
3. The alternative to that theory is the 30-year-old sugar thrower was trying to rally support AGAINST Big Sugar by throwing some on one of America’s most popular celebrities and seeing his negative reaction to it. With all the pictures circulating today of Adam Levine looking disgusted and angry as he wipes sugar off himself, that can only help to leak a disgust for sugar into this country’s psyche. Is that what the sugar tosser had in mind?
4. The makers of the Netflix documentary Fed Up might have thrown sugar on Levine to raise awareness for their film. Fed Up targets the food industry for causing and actively encouraging childhood obesity, mostly by disguising sugar as a fat substitute in food marketed to children. While I’m not in favor of most promotional stunts, that documentary is good and it does have a good message and I’m not too concerned if Adam Levine gets upset about something, so I think it was worth it.
5. The sugar thrower actually meant to throw salt but grabbed the wrong bag. Now, if it was supposed to be a salt assault then that opens up a whole other Pandora’s box of possible motives. Big Salt doesn’t seem to be that big of a threat to this country. Yes, Americans probably eat too much salt, but is that really a nationwide health emergency on the level of sugar, childhood obesity, and diabetes? Probably not. Plus salt tastes great on chips, America’s number-one snack food. And there ain’t no conspiracy there!