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December 02, 2015

With the holidays fast approaching, here are some tips to make decorating your Christmas tree a fun and easy experience.

  • The size of your tree should directly correlate with the size of your ego.
  • Placing some flaming candles on the branches of your tree is a great way to let loved ones know you’re willing to take some major risks this holiday season.
  • Apple’s iTree is a fun and innovative way to add some high tech magic to your house this holiday season.
  • Write your hopes and dreams down, hang them on your tree, and light that son of a bitch on fire. Life, for the most part, is an unfair parade of sadness.
  • Give your tree a splash of Jack Daniels now and then. Even plants need a drink during the holidays.
  • When decorating your tree, don’t forget the classic saying: “Why in the fucking hell are my piece of shit lights not working!!?”
  • Don’t forget to top your tree with a star. How about Sandra Bullock?
  • Did you know that the tradition of putting up Christmas trees began when Dutch politicians banned the sale of pine trees and people from an opposing party rebelled by bringing them into their homes? That’s not true, but, oh nelly, wouldn’t that have been crazy?
  • There’s absolutely nothing worse than having an ugly tree. Except, of course, walking in on your wife banging your best friend. I thought we had something, Jill.
  • If you have children in the house, make sure to only use the sharpest of decorations in order to teach them hard lessons about proper tree safety.
  • Not everybody celebrates Christmas, so stop decorating your tree right this minute and say you’re sorry you monster.
  • To convey you’re really serious about Christmas, ornaments should be at least 3 but no bigger than 5 pounds.
  • The more money you spend on your tree, the quicker you’ll get out of purgatory.
  • In lieu of garland, wrap a snake around your tree. But don’t forget to choose one that is defanged and has no poison… If you’re a pussy.
  • And remember…No matter how you decorate your tree, always keep in mind that whatever you do will never be good enough for your merciless and unforgiving family.