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December 05, 2014

A guide to the use of the phrase "feel very bad," specifically for officer Daniel Pantaleo

“I feel very bad about the death of Mr. Garner.”

— Daniel Pantaleo, police officer who killed Eric Garner with a chokehold

Danny “Dugouts Finest” Pantaleo

If you are police officer Daniel Pantaleo, you might, at any moment, have the urge to tell people that you “feel very bad.” It could happen anywhere - at a party, on a yacht, or in an official statement - but it’s not always the right thing to say! Below is a simple guide to help you avoid a gross misuse of this phrase, with some examples of circumstances that might appropriately provoke you to feel very bad.

1. When you have a cold that just won’t go away.

2. When you forget your spouse’s birthday. Welcome to the dog house!

3. When you buy an ice cream cone and immediately drop it into your lap. And,oh yeah - you’re wearing white.

4. When you are clipping your finger nails and you clip one wayyyyy too short and the tip of your finger is exposed and raw and there’s nothing you can do but wait. Are you kidding me???!

5. When you show up wearing the same dress as someone hotter than you. Die.

6. When you show up wearing the same dress as someone less hot than you. Worse???

7. When you complain about how boring your grandmother is and then she tells you some amazing fucking story about digging an eight-foot well with her bare hands or using the first telephone and you’re like “buhhhhh…I have a Tumblr?” LOL.

8. When you use salt instead of sugar!!!!! Bahhh!!

9. When you murder someone with your hands.

10. When you bite into a piece of fruit and it’s super mealy. What can you do? It’s fruit.

11. When you make a loud joke about a friend and then he’s standing right behind you. Um, who ordered the awkward?? Cuz it’s here!

12. When you criminally abuse your state-authorized power resulting in the death of a human being and you suffer no legal consequences.

13. When you are trying to fly a kite and it is just not cooperating!

14. When you irrevocably ruin the lives of a mother, a wife, children, grandchildren, friends, and a community.

15. When you watch someone dying on a sidewalk.

16. When you lose your iPhone. Technology!!!!!!

17. When you sell your hair to buy your husband a beautiful chain for his pocket watch and your husband sells his pocket watch to buy some beautiful combs for your hair and you are both like, “Whaaaaahhh?” (This is the plot of The Gift of the Magi but it is a good lesson!)

18. When you JUST. EAT. TOO. MUCH.

19. When you are greeting an acquaintance and you both go in for a kiss on the cheek and wind up kissing on the LIPS! Hi! My name is Mr. Uncomfortable!

20. When you kill someone for absolutely no reason.

21. When ya have a bad day!