My fellow Republicans,
Hi buddies! I know, I know — it seems like I’m losing the race and that I better do well in the New Hampshire primary today to have a chance of remaining a viable candidate. I know it seems like after getting sixth in Iowa that my only function is to take away votes from other moderate candidates who actually have a real shot at President. But guess what? Losing is exactly the position I want to be in.
Let me set the stage. It seems like there’s no way I can win. I’m awkward. I’m boring. I told my constituents to clap for me. It really can’t get worse. Boom! I’m an underdog. Which is perfect, because everyone knows that America loves an underdog. And I understand America. So I’ve been engineering my campaign to be purposefully terrible, so that everyone will root for me when I start making my comeback!
There’s no way this country isn’t going to fall in love with me. Think about it. I have a super PAC giving me millions and millions and millions of dollars, and it doesn’t make a dent in my poll numbers. Now that, folks, is an underdog.
My father AND my brother were already President of the United States, and I’m barely registering on voters’ radar. Major underdog move.
I know that voters of color are important for the eventual Republican nominee. And as an underdog, I think I have special appeal to black voters, since they are the racial underdogs of this country! Black people and I — we have a lot in common. If I get the nomination, I will certainly have “started from the bottom,” as Mr. Drake would say.
Furthermore, I think America is finally ready for a white underdog. Lately we’ve only been getting black or Puerto Rican or Indian underdogs. But look how well I fit in with these guys:
I mean, if you really think about it, isn’t a rich white man with a powerful family who’s losing despite those incredible odds the very definition of an American underdog?
So now that I’ve shown the country that I am 100% down and out, it’s only a matter of time before everyone rallies behind me. I can see it now:
I’m in a high school auditorium. There’s a basketball game happening. I’m sitting on the sidelines. And, what’s that? Oh no! Ted Cruz is hurt? And the rest of the candidates got mono? The coach calls my name. I look to my left, and to my right — he’s really talking to me! Even though I’ve made the terrible mistake of selling an unbranded guacamole bowlon my campaign website! I stand up; I stride to the court like a big boy. The coach pats me on my patootie and I’m in the game! I make a moderate speech about healthcare and immigration reform and guess what? Under pressure, I’m actually charismatic! Not one person in the audience falls asleep! JEB SHOOTS AND HE SCORES BABY!!! WE’RE GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE! JEB BUSH IS GOING TO THE WHITEHOUSE?!??!?! WHO WOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING???
Sorry about that, that’s the most riled up I’ve ever been. But don’t you see? It’s a compelling narrative. I’m losing because America WANTS someone who never gives up, no matter how rich his parents are.
How exactly am I going to accomplish this comeback? I haven’t worked at all the details yet, but I do imagine it will involve some kind of high school basketball game. I can’t drop out of the race now. Not when my plan is so close to paying off.
So, feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, it’s Jeb Bush time! Cool runnings! (Cool reference, huh?)
Jeb “Underdog” Bush