GOP Big Daddy
Wow, we could not be prouder of our work at the RNC this year, and are so incredibly pleased with how it all turned out. It is all exactly how we expected, and things are definitely going according to plan. That said, we wanted to address one notable absence from the program that you may have picked up on: former Alaskan Governor and bump-it owner, Sarah Palin.
When this news was first released, Gov. Palin said she could not attend the convention because Alaska is far away. Alaska, is indeed, far away. Far from the Quicken Loans Arena, far from Capitol Hill, and far from containing a million people. But the truth of the matter is: Sarah Palin is simply too wacky for this convention.
We love Sarah–she gets us all fired up and ready to go. And while that may have worked in 2008, we’re taking a different approach this time around. We are committed to maintaining a modest discourse that will hit the reset button on a fractious primary season. (You know, while still keeping all that shit about gay people in our party platform.)
That’s why we got Duck Dynasty Guy, Tiff Trump, and Laura “Nazi” Ingraham gracing the stage with their trademark grace and decorum. We got a few of Donald’s African Americans. We got SEVERAL stars of daytime television. We got Chachi. We are not fucking around, okay? This lineup certainly isn’t a hodgepodge of the only folks that hit that RNC Venn Diagram sweet spot between “Breathing” and “Willing to Endorse Donald Trump.”
We have some strong talking points. Call Hillary a liar? Absolutely. Call Obama a Muslim? Yes please. Incite violence? Oh you know it. But you gotta spread these things out over the course of several speeches. Pace it out through the night. And Sarah has a tendency to jam ‘em all in one place, strung together by a few “uh huhs” and “you betchas.“ And that’s just a little too crazy for our RNC.
Sarah Palin is a freaking blast, and let me tell you: Todd is fun as heck to be around. He can dunk a basketball. He showed me once. I think the hoop wasn’t regulation, but it sure looked cool. Unfortunately, “Palingo” can sometimes be a little…off-color. And that color? Rogue. But you know, pronounce it the other way. And rogue is the last thing we need as we present a united, strong front to the world.
So Sarah, sorry you aren’t here, but hope you’re roasting some Salmon with Bristol and Tripp under the bright Alaskan sky. Meanwhile, we’re going to stay on message here in Cleveland. Now I’m gonna go watch Ted Cruz’s speech, since I was in the bathroom last night–one too many Freedom Burgers (and Freedom Bud Lights, if you get what I’m saying–heh heh).
God, if you can hear this–go on ahead and bless America for us, okay?