*If you don’t want to read JUICY SPOILERS click here instead for a lemon bar recipe to use while on LSD.*
Starzzzzzzzz Woke Up!
Usually Starz is like visiting my weird uncle. It’s fine to stop by and say ‘hi’ once in a while, but I don’t want to spend the night there. WELL, NO MORE! Starz has become my favorite uncle to have a sleepover with on Sunday nights.
After spending my whole weekend sinning at the whiskey bar American Gods is exactly how I want to repent – by watching violence, magic, and vaginas swallow men whole.
They’ve adapted Neil Gaiman’s best selling book into a riveting TV show, and like french-kissing for the first time without braces it feels like heaven.
Here’s the Top 15 Holy Hell moments from the season premiere.
#1 TFW You Become A Reverse Porcupine
SHOW TONE SET! We’re only three minutes into the season premiere, and already a Viking’s body looks like this–
–only with arrows and death!
#2 Or, Use Your Oars
The Viking’s are stranded on the island begging their God to send enough wind for them to sail away. Don’t be lazy! You used oars to row all the way there. Oar your way outta there too.
Instead, just like typical Vikings, they murder each other.
They’re SO violent–
–even when they’re dead they kill each other.
#3 Shadow Moon, Don’t Look Through Your Own Future!
Shadow Moon’s hot. He’s likeable. He’s troubled. Perfect main character, BUT I wish he didn’t look through that noose. Now he’s obligated to hang from one later in the show. It’s Checkov’s gun, but with a rope…call it Gaimen’s Rope.
Speaking of death–
#4 Death Is All Shadow Moon Thinks About
He’s haunted by it when he’s awake and asleep. After staring at a noose he talks with his wife on the phone.
Has a vision of her as Jesus on the cross.
Then, instead of enjoying a sexy dream about her immediately dreams about death.
#5 Dumb Prison Guard Says Stupid Obvious Shit
The warden just told Shadow Moon he’s getting released early! Yee-haw! BUUUUT it’s to go to his wife’s funeral. BOOOOO!
Then, this moronic prison guard adds:
#6 Low Key’s Airline Monologue Is High Key Perfect.
“Do not piss off bitches at the airport.”
Actor Jonathan Tucker masters this character, and his monologue about airline workers. Plus, everything he’s saying is true thanks to United Airline’s downward spiral, and Virgin’s extra thirsty attempt to feel like a mix between an airline and a rave.
#7 Mr. Wednesday Enacting White Privilege
One of the larger themes of this episode is how different races are treated in America. That’s why Shadow Moon was denied an earlier flight to bury his wife, but Mr. Wednesday’s being upgraded to first class even though he acts like a escaped mental patient crossed with not being black.
#8 Yo, Is That A Fire Bison?!?
Yeah it is! Is this Shadow Moon’s spirit animal? Is it Mr. Wednesday in another form? It’s too early to know for sure, but I do know Shadow Moon’s dreams are bananas, and Fire Bison is a great band name for four dad’s in a garage.
#8 A Super Sadistic Car Commercial
If you’re gonna show a car commercial in the middle of a show it better be under the most screwed up context imaginable. They did just that by playing this music–
under this scene.
Now, that’s a great commercial! (much better than the Super Bowl Nationwide Dead Son one)
#9 Bilquis Has Me Shook
I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t stop watching this sex scene. I love it for two reasons.
One, a man’s being swallowed by a Goddess’s vagina–
Two, it reminds me of ‘The Simpsons’.
#10 Piss Problem
Straight up, this is my only problem with this episode. Shadow Moon is TOO HYDRATED. He’s been flying, driving, and not sleeping. There’s NO WAY he’s drinking enough water for it to be this crystal clear.
#11 Dane Cook’s *slide whistle sound effect* Was Bitten Off
C'mon! Brilliant casting. What other show has the biggest comedian of the early 2000’s play a character who dies in a car accident while his best friend’s wife bites off his weiner ?
#12 Do You Love $$$? Make This A Video Game.
Folks, I’m very bad at business so I don’t know how to copyright Intellectual Property, but here’s a million dollar idea for anyone who likes being rich.
If it’s not already (and I’m too lazy to google it) there should be a video game where Gods fight. Leprechaun vs Zeus. Aphrodite vs Easter Bunny. Santa vs Bilquis (her fatality is obvious).
#13 How I Wish Lifetime Movies Did These Scenes.
Call Lifetime and tell them to watch this so they know how a murderous affair should be filmed. No jump cuts to a knife in a drawer. No close-ups of a single tear rolling down a cheek. No royalty free music from garage band. Just leave the camera on an like actor Betty Gilpin,and she’ll hammer it home like nails in her lover’s coffin.
#14 Technical Boy Is Everything Old People Hate About Millennial’s & I Get It Because
I hate him too. He looks like at his wedding he’ll hoverboard down the aisle.
#15 Shadow Moon, Why’d You Look Through That Noose Earlier?
Ugh, Shadow Moon being dragged through the dirt by white men then hung by his neck from a tree…you know Technical Boy’s saying, “History repeats itself like a GIF on the IG.”
He, and his super racist basic bitches prove it :(
SO MANY ???‘s REMAIN
Who saved Shadow Moon from certain death?
What’s Mr. Wednesday’s agenda?
What did the coroner do with Dane Cook’s dick? (Is it in the coffin? In a dumpster? Did the coroner secretly pocket it to take home?)
Hopefully, some of these questions are answered next Sunday. Until then I hope you wake up everyday saying–