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October 31, 2016

What do you mean you're skeptical about the guy with a pet tiger on a chain who calls himself a king? 15 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' S07E02 "The Well"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) Carol Is Tripping Out

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Carol. Girl. Get it together because you are SEEING STUFF AND THINGS right now.

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You vs. The Zombie She Told You Not To Worry About

Look, I’ve been there. You wake up from a nap, see people huddled on the ground eating something disgusting, so you run away from your friends, see humans become zombies, then watch those zombie faces melt onto the floor. It was called Bonnaroo 2013 and it was fucking RAD. Don’t freak out, just enjoy the ride and don’t miss R. Kelly’s set regardless of what you think about his personal life.

2) Morgan’s Mailbox Thing Is From Mad Men

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Hey, ‘member when Mad Men did the mailbox carving thing? I ‘member. It was from the episode where a hobo visits Don Draper’s house when he’s a kid. Don Draper ‘membered it. Mad Men was a great show that aired on this same exact network at the same exact time on the same day just during different parts of my life. If this show wants to do Mad Men stuff more often, that’s cool with me. Basically I think everyone on this show should be smoking cigarettes, drinking brown liquor, and cheating on each other at all times.

3) So This Whole Episode Is Going To Be Carol & Morgan? Cool.

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Listen up, nerds. I know the difference between a filler episode and necessary story & character development. As has been EXTENSIVELY COVERED in these recaps, I went to college for 4.5 years to earn a useless media studies degree. So I get it. I fucking get it. But I also know when I’m being jerked off without permission, and that’s what’s happening here. CASE IN POINT: The last time Glenn “died” they pulled THIS SAME CRAP with the “Morgan vs. Tabitha the goat” episode. So having a tragic episode followed by an isolated one that doesn’t explore the outcome of that tragedy might be an interesting choice if it wasn’t something we’ve seen before with literally the same exact character “dying.” How many more times can I mention that I went to college while making a masturbation joke? Sound off in the comments if you think it’s at least 100 more times before the series finale.

4) The Kingdom Is One Big Rave

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“The Kingdom” sounds like the name of a rave, which makes a lot of sense when you consider what’s going on. Everyone is having a great time, completely ignoring reality, wearing goofy outfits, and down to help each other out. They even have raver names like King Ezekiel and won’t shut up about drinking water. Seriously, though. Drink lots of water. And I don’t know why R. Kelly is playing at this rave, but definitely check out his set regardless of what you think about his personal life.

5) How Did Morgan Forget To Mention The Tiger?

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How did Morgan forget to mention the tiger? That would’ve been the first thing I mentioned. And the second. It would’ve been the only thing I mentioned. “This guy has a tiger. Yes, that kind of tiger. Big? Huge as hell. And he talks to the tiger in English! REALLY FANCY ENGLISH! It’s like his voice has a calligraphy setting.”

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“Doth though besmirch a dollop of skepty amidst my re-pertinent vocabularium?”

Detecting a wee bit of skepticism? Regarding the adult man who calls himself a king, keeps a tiger on a chain, speaks of his magnificent apples, and surrounds himself with an army of dudes wearing Nerf armor? Nope. You seem like a totally chill and rational guy. I’m sure Carol is wheely glad to meet you! GET IT? She’s in a wheelchair!!! Sound off in the comments if you think that was a wheely bad joke.

6) Carol’s Smile Is Like A Carol Sweater For Her Face

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‘Member when Carol wore a sweater to trick the folks at Alexandria into thinking she’s not a lean, mean, killing machine? Well sweaters are in short supply at The Kingdom, so looks like a wheelchair and a smile will have to do! Carol is SO GOOD at this. A little too good. It frightens me how good she is at this. This is season 7 of a show about zombies and the most terrifying thing we’ve seen so far is a middle-aged sociopath named Carol.

7) Walker Stuffing

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Welcome back to Zombie Chopped! Today’s basket ingredients include a live pig and a tied up walker! And that’s it. You have 30 minutes on the clock … GO! So you’re just going to, uh, feed the walker to the pig? That’s it? Yeah, I guess you didn’t really have a whole lot of options here. You still have 29 minutes on the clock! Going to read a little bit of your favorite book until you get sleepy then take a nap? That sounds amazing. Even if you don’t win this made up contest, you’re a champion of life.

8) Don’t Sing Twice, It’s All Right

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You guys! They’re doing the Sons Of Anarchy music thing again! That’s fun, it’s a great thing. CUE THE MONTAGE! Morgan’s training that genius (the one who gives zombies shoulder massages with his machete) in the town karate gazebo. Carol’s scootin’ around stealing anything she can get her hands on and making small talk about cobbler. She’s wheely good at it! The tiger started a podcast called Tiger Talk and everyone agrees it’s garbage but still tunes in because there’s not much to listen to these zombie days. Except, of course, the TOWN CHOIR WHICH HAS BEEN SINGING THIS BOB DYLAN SONG THE WHOLE TIME! What a twist! Directed by M. Night Zombalan. And it was a really nice cover! I liked the cover and the overall idea that popular music has to be preserved by the survivors or it’ll go away forever. But maybe the reason we haven’t seen choirs singing up until now is because survivors are out there SURVIVING? These guys clearly have no idea what the world is like if they have the spare time to harmonize. By the way, this type of sound is called “diegetic” because it comes from the world that’s visible on screen, one of three things I learned in college while earning my useless media studies degree. Sound off in the comments if you didn’t expect me to mention my degree or sounding off in the comments two times in one article. What a twist!

9) Savior? I Hardly Know Her!

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Got it. So THAT’S why they were OK feeding walkers to the pigs! Because they’re just going to those asshole Saviors. I’m OK with this. I don’t think they’re trying to poison the Saviors, something I’d also be OK with, this feels more like a passive aggressive middle finger to your boss. And if they get poisoned in the meantime, that’s a bonus.

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The Walking Dead writers have a not-so-subtle message for us.

Gosh, I can’t wait to see these jerk Saviors get what’s coming to them! Just nine or ten more seasons of this and I think we’re going to see some stuff happen! Or maybe not. Probably not.

10) Broccoli Kid Reminds Us All How Awful Sam Was

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What a breath of fresh air from how terrible Sam was last season. That piece of shit wouldn’t eat DELICIOUS HOMEMADE COOKIES and this kid wolfs down broccoli like it’s nothing. Way to go, little dude! I like you a lot and that probably means you’re going to die a very ugly death by the end of this half season. Sorry, but that’s just the way it goes. Adios in advance, young homie.

11) Jerry Is My New Favorite Character

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Holy shit, Jerry! Way to make an entrance! Please stay in hollering distance for the remainder of the series! Jerry is obviously my new favorite character (first time in recent memory this has been awarded to an actual human, and not just toothpaste or one bullet on top of a can of soup) because he is both bold and also dynamic and you never know what compelling thing he’s going to say next! DEUCES.

12) Ezekiel Gets Real

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Find out what happens when Ezekiel stops being polite and starts getting real. WOW. What another twist! I’m glad we found out early on that Ezekiel doesn’t take himself seriously because I sure as hell never did. Up until now, anyway. Also, that tiger backstory is still badass because YOU HAVE A PET TIGER, BRO. Any story that results in a pet tiger is cool; it doesn’t need to involve wrestling. Kind of weird everyone went ahead and just made up various wrestling stories to explain the tiger.

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“I have an offer for you. Do you want to come to my improv show next Thursday?”

Community theater? That certainly checks out! But what if his real voice is the original voice and he’s just using this voice to make Carol comfortable?!? That would be one twist too many. I really hope that’s not the case, because my heart and mind can only take so many twists and it’s safe to say we are currently smack dab in the middle of Twist Town. Population: Way too many stupid people still watching this show including me I’m stupid and honestly you probably are too if you’re still reading these every Monday.

13) How Many Horses Are Fucking At Home Base?

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Exactly how much horse on horse fuck action is going down at home base? Because we saw a horse get eaten at the beginning of this episode and everyone still has like three horses. I didn’t go to any fancy Horse Fucking Academy, but it doesn’t take someone with a PhD in Horse Sex to calculate there must be a lot of horses banging in The Kingdom. I don’t know why they bother to slaughter the pigs off-site, there’s no way a few pig squeals could overpower the thunderous roar of 100 horses fucking at the same time, which must be what’s going on if they have this many horses to go around.

14) Carol Would Make A Great “Eleven” For Halloween

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You didn’t think I was going to make it through this whole article without mentioning that it is HALLOWEEN, YOU GUYS! Happy Halloween! I know we all saw at least a dozen Eleven costumes this year (which by my math is 351 costumes, I’m bad at math) but I would still love to see Carol as Eleven because she’d be totally perfect. Maybe an older Eleven with orthopedic shoes and back problems? If you’re looking for a killer Comic-Con 2017 costume, let me please suggest Carol from The Walking Dead but as Eleven from Stranger Things but an older Eleven with orthopedic shoes and back problems. She still eats waffles, those things don’t have an age limit.

15) Digging Holes Is Such A Waste Of Time & Energy

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Carol is continuing a very proud, and very stupid, tradition of people on this show who like to dig holes. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it zombie again, digging a hole sucks. It’s a huge pain in the ass and takes a lot of energy. And anyone who digs holes in the zombie apocalypse is wasting their time on a really dumb project. I should know about dumb projects! I have one where I watch a show every Sunday and take notes while I watch it then come into work on Monday and get all jacked up on coffee and M&M’s and try to synthesize my already incoherent notes into a rambling recap of a show that often times doesn’t even recap the show. But I’m too far into the project and don’t know how to quit. IT IS ALMOST AS IF I AM DIGGING MY OWN HOLE. Y’ALL MOTHERFUCKERS JUST GOT TWISTED ON ONCE MORE. Tune in next week! Will we get a full episode of people from The Kingdom raiding the abandoned Toys-R-Us for more armor? I sure hope so, safety first. Will Morgan embrace his destiny as the mailman of the zombie apocalypse? These coupons for 20% off Bed, Bath and Zombie Beyond aren’t going to deliver themselves. Will Carol finally eat one of these much hyped apples? I’m sure we’ll find out six episodes from now after we’ve all stopped caring about the magnificent apple story arc. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on S07E03 of The Walking Dead!