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April 18, 2011

An Open letter to the poorest countries in the world:

Dear Third World:

I know things must be tough for you right now, but I want you to know you are not alone. It is tough, if not far tougher, being a white male in the richest country in the history of the world.

For example, you only have one room to sweep in your house, but I have like eleven. And some times its so much sweeping that I have to pay people to do it... like $100 US. That's probably more than a month's wages where you come from. I mean can you imagine paying two months salary to sweep your 11 rooms? It's hard.

Another Problem we face is having so much food that we don't know what to do with it. Before you get upset with this, I want you to know we've fixed it in the form of bean bag chairs. It must seem clever to you that we use piles of food to sit on, but I assure you our schools aren't as good as they should be. Other creative solutions include Jack-o-lanterns, Macaroni art. We now blow up sugar or even use popped corn to cushion items in the mail.  For a brief explanation, mail is what we use to send things that won't fit in electronic mail. And with all that food, it's so hard to lose weight. You really don't know how lucky you are to be so thin!

I heard that clean water is scarce for you, and I feel for you, but at least its free. I live near a river and it's so dirty because we have to put our excess chemicals in it just to have the products it takes to survive in America, like gunpowder [yes, we still have to protect ourselves in America even though stealing was outlawed here like a million years ago]. So we have to pay to have our water treated so that we can have water at least clean enough to urinate into, and then it costs even more to buy bottles of water, especially from other countries that have designer bottles and the appropriate mineral content for taste. As I am sure you are gathering by now, it a'int cheap living where I live. Definitely costs more than where you live. And don't even get me started on the expense of swimming pools (hint: More than several months, your pay).

And while it may be frustrating for you when close family members die of cholera, there may be nothing more annoying than when a phone dies, especially if you need it to call a helicopter for something.  Take heart in your simplicity. Your only worry is where to get food for the day, and that's beautiful. Here in America, life is so mentally taxing that we have machines called computers that we use to create second worlds where we can live out fantastic, better lives through things called avatars. I know it may seem excessive to use resources like coal to burn to create the electricity to lead this extra life, but it's difficult to cope with our circumstances and it's necessary. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd do the same. Please excuse that expression if you have neither shoes nor feet. 

Count your blessings... you probably have ton of kids and you can walk around naked without anyone complaining.

Tim Rogers

P.S. Do you know what a pie eating contest is? I bet one of you could win that, no practice!

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