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November 13, 2012

This will melt your brain and serve it to you in a bowl of mac 'n' cheese....with broccoli. The version on my blog is better, it has videos:

Step Brothers: The Incredible Journey

If Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey and Step Brothers have two things in common, the second thing is definitely that they're both excellent movies to sit down to after ripping gravity bong. But what's the first thing they have in common? To even attempt to answer that question, I'll have to start from the beginning.
Look at it. LOOK AT IT! Bask in the glory of one of the best movies of your childhood. That look of fierce determination on Shadows face as he valiantly rescues the hysterical Sassy and smugly indifferent Chance. Pure sexual magic. Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey is right up there with all the best movies of our generations childhood. Movies like....

The Brave Little Toaster, the compelling documentary that depicts the origins of Skynet.

 What I don't really get about the Brave Little Toaster, is why the kid going to college has such an unhealthy obsession with his electronics devices? Considering he doesn't even know they're alive, they should have no significance in this persons life. 

Andy and his toys in Toy Story makes more sense. While Andy is still a giant fuckin' pussy for being so attached to his play things, at least they have nostalgic impact. I can understand being a bit misty eyed looking back on how much easier and carefree life was as a child, before the shit-storm of reality hits and you're drowning in the mediocrity of an unforgiving society. But I manned the fuck up when I hit 13 and gave away my stash of Legos, the entire collection, and not a single tear was shed. Granted, I regret that decision to this day, 10 years later, because shit, I could be making stop animation movies about a zombie lego apocalypse for stoners to giggle at RIGHT NOW....but I don't fucking tear up when I think about them.
 It's a mystery how this guy on the Brave Little Toaster even has a girlfriend. Makes me feel like a fucking loser, that this fictional character that faps when he thinks about his desk lamp is getting tail and I'm not. What the fuck? How does he keep her interested when all he thinks about are his electronics devices? Especially considering she's of seemingly black origin? The Brave Little Toaster was a brave little movie that chose to present an interracial relationship to young children.

I mean really, I'd understand his attachment if he realized they were alive and had deep philosophical conversations with them over fat joints....but they play dead whenever he's around. It's kinda creepy, both the Masters attachment to his seemingly inanimate objects, AND their choice to silently observe him, watching, waiting...the way a 55 year old sex offender driving a windowless van watches the kids on a playground...calm, collected, detached from reality, ready to strike. I don't like the notion of the government using electronics devices to spy on us enough as it is. But if those devices had minds of their own? Always watching? Silently? That's some creepy shit.

I found this image on Google. I wonder how many childhoods it's ruined? It didn't ruin mine, thankfully; I was watching South Park religiously in the 2nd grade.
Seriously, who has an emotional connection to toasters, vacuum cleaners, and lamps?

You think the thought of the characters from the movie watching you in silence is creepy? Well check out the cover of the book that inspired it. Holy fuck, I wouldn't want that blanket in the same state as me, nevermind wrapped around me while I sleep.


So where are the cast now, you may ask? The gang is still mostly together. Lamp ended up burning out, and it brought the group even closer together after having to bury their friend. Blanket turned gray (we all knew that little bitch was gray) and they tried to fill the void left behind by Lamp with two new friends: a GPS and a camera. (Camera isn't pictured because he took the picture himself. He doesn't like his picture taken, either.

Although the GPS has proven very useful when they need to stalk their Master through swamps and over fucking mountains, they still miss Lamp dearly.
Funny side note, the air conditioning unit actually got arrested for exposing young girls by blasting well-timed drafts of crisp, cool air. In the creepy AC Units defense, jailbait should probably be wearing panties. And shaving their bush.
I also found this on Google Images, and while I laughed at it myself, I am rather disappointed it might be funnier and more fucked up than the bulk of original content in this article combined....fffuuuu-
Ya know, modern cinema could really learn from the Brave Little Toaster. We could really use more "inanimate objects spring to life" movies. Imagine, teaching kids about life issues, like the dangers of racism, for example...with a cheerful story about electronic devices?
Speaking of racism, who remembers the majestic "Land Before Time?" The pre-Jurassic Park go-to-dinosaur movie, LBT was about racial tensions and global disasters in prehistoric times. They even had a system of slurs based on dinosaur stereotypes to acknowledge each other, such as "Long Necks" and "Three Horns." (It's not racist when a stegosaurus refers to another stegosaurus as a Three Horn, but it's racist if anyone else uses the term to describe a stegosaurus.)
Then there was Dunston Checks In. A prequel to Seinfeld. George Costanza works at a hotel with Pee Wee Herman, leaving him no time to spend with his son. ENTER DUNSTON.

The frustrated child, being completely unsupervised for the majority of the film, finds the disgruntled Orangutan, and the two enter a homosexual interspecies relationship. Hilarity ensues!

The movie didn't really break new ground - as was common knowledge, Disney had been dealing with zoophilia and incestual themes for decades already, at this point. But what it lacked in originality, it more than made up for in the raw sexual chemistry between the orangutan and the kid from the Wonder Years. They wrench the viewers heart strings with a pair of spell-blinding, Grammy award winning performances.

The unorthodox relationship in "Dunston Checks In" was disturbing at best, and horrifically wrong at worst. But the relationship brewing in Blank Check, on the other hand, was another movie altogether, and far more endearing.

I seriously thought that kid had a chance with her when I watched this movie at 10 years old. I was all like,

"This kid thinks just like me. He's such a fucking boss. First, he completely screws over some fascist, corporate millionaire butthole for running over his bike and nearly killing him. Then he outsmarts OJ Simpson.


Then, he sticks it to his parents and buys his own mansion, complete with water slide and 3 story high screen to play video games on. THEN, he hires Chris Farley as his slave, to drive him around in a limo and just chill out and be his bro. And finally, he macks it to the hottie from the banks thats like, three times his age. Screw that pussy Richie Rich, this kid would whoop Richie Richs ass then fuck his sister."

Just goes to show, all bitches give a shit about are money and social status. This kid is like 10, and she's in her 30's. But the second he starts slinging his 2 inch, prepubescent wang around after dipping it into gold dust, she's all moist and dry humping his leg in the water sprinklers.


Of course, there was also Heavy Weights which, to this day, simultaneously serves as both Judd Appatow and Ben Stillers crowning achievements. It taught us that not only is child obesity completely fine, but hilarious as well. 

But I'm going way off subject here, we're talking about Homeward Bound, here!

And so...we finally arrive back at Homeward Bound. What a glorious movie. Sure, it's corny as hell, but I was 5 years old when it was released. So fuck off, Lahey. When I was five, I didn't notice the extremely creepy relationship between Peter and Shadow.

Nor did I notice how socially awkward the kids were, and how much they relied on their pets to cope with their shitty existence. It's like they didn't play video games, or sports, or have any friends. No hobbies, no talent, just...love for their pets. Kind of sad, really. These little kids are bitching and moaning about their pets. Meanwhile, said pets are fighting bears, porcupines and mountain lions, falling down water falls, and escaping prison not once, but two times, all the while traveling hundreds of miles to be reacquainted with their owners.

I guess they needed the kids to act like such mega bitches to give the ending a more palatable emotional punch. But I think it would have been way funnier if they returned, only to find out the kids had all moved on and gotten new pets.

"Shit....this is awkward."

Chances owner gets into his 'reptile' phase, and now has a snake, several frogs, and a turtle named Donatello. (Yea, that kid was a little bitch, of course he'd name his turtle after the lamest Ninja Turtle.)

Peter couldn't put up with the sexual frustration he was having without Shadow to lick the peanut butter out of his asshole. So he started frequenting the gay clubs of San Francisco and eventually bought himself a gerbil and some hamsters.

And the little girl who owned the cunty cat would have dulled her pain and numbed her misery with a diverse selection of illegal substances, drowning her sorrows with booze when she ran out of heroin to inject into her eyelids.

At this point, I know you're wondering what the fuck the first thing this movie has in common" with Step Brothers is. How exactly does a movie about lost pets - a touching film full of courage, betrayal, and sexual magic - tie in to a movie about what my generation will all inevitably wind up as when we are in our mid 30's?

Actually, you probably aren't thinking that at all, because I ended up reviewing, like, 4 other movies before ever revealing the initial point I was trying to make from the start of the article. So you completely forgot about the Step Brothers = Homeward Bound: The Incredible Story connection. My bad. Let me just put it to you this way. 

The cast of Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey may be long dead, but they influence us all to this very day. Their influence....is timeless and eternal.


Don't believe me? Check out this clip from Step Brothers.

 Skip to 4:45, and you'll hear a recognizable melody. Recognizable because it's the theme song from Homeward Bound. I'm seriously.


That very observation is what inspired this entire article. It's the snowball effect meets complete insanity.