Dear Mainstream Media,
How are you?
I’m good. Well, good except for one little niggle that only you can help me with. You see, I seem to be getting dumber by the day.
“What is causing you to get dumber?” you may ask, and if you did not ask, well, I wouldn’t really be surprised.
What has been making me dumber? Now, that’s a fantastic question... You see, I’ve been to several doctors, none of which seem to be able to diagnose the problem. I’ve tried Witch Doctors, Herbalists, Anal Bleaching, and some weird form of therapy from some guy named Bob that consisted of a lot of lubrication and not being able to sit down for a week. It seemed that no one could determine the disease that was making me stupider by the minute.
I thought I was at a loss, determined to imprudently roam the dark streets of life like a hooker with a lobotomy. So, I decided to do some soul searching. I turned off my mobile phone, unplugged the television, shut down the computer, pulled out the butt plug, turned off the radio, and sat down for a while.
Now, this may be incomprehensible to you. I was sitting in absolute quiet, with no distractions from you at all, and guess what? I started to get smarter! That’s right, I could actually hear myself rather than your constant warbling. Don’t get me wrong, Mainstream, we’ve had some good times. But I guess there’s only so much crap that can be put up with before the relationship turns sour.
I used to wake up in the morning, saluting the sun in a glorious display that would make a Mills & Boon book blush, check the news to be informed about important issues concerning the world. Oh, how things have changed. I no longer salute the sun in the morning, instead I’m saluting the ground... but that’s a different matter for another time.
These days I wake up to the news that another celebrity had sex on camera, Paris Hilton broke a nail, Kim Kardashian took a dump, or Justin Beiber.... don’t get me started on Justin Beiber.
There are major uprisings in Egypt and Libya, which are world changing events, but you are more concerned with the notion that Shane Warne is bowling his balls in to Liz Hurley, that Ricky Gervais said what we were all thinking about Hollywood, or that Lady Gaga turned in to an omelet. How is that more important than world changing events?
I’m pretty sure that there could be an atomic bomb blast somewhere, but if I showed up at an awards ceremony on the same night and promptly pissed my pants in front of your camera, I would get the front page spread.
PLEASE, stop bombarding us with these ‘no use to anyone’ stories. By not reporting on a lot of these celebrities everyone wins. They get some privacy, and we get to keep some braincells.
It may even make people smarter... who knows?
I understand that there are some celebrities out there that will do anything to get your attention. Here’s a little tip for you, free of charge: if you ignore them, they will go away. And you should start ignoring them straight away. Or... what if you started reporting on people that were actually making a difference? How about the scientists making breakthroughs in cancer research, or humanitarians making a difference in the lives of those less fortunate? That’s the news we need to know about, not that some two-bit celebrity took a few drugs and another one was caught jacking off in a public restroom with a gerbil up his ass. Sure, these things make for great gossip around the water cooler, but they are hardly the makings of intelligent conversation.
I know you won’t change your ways, Mainstream, but I had to get this off my chest. Can you at least promise me you’ll try? I really don’t want to have to end our relationship permanently, but please try to change.
Yours in stupidity,
Hall of Fame