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June 24, 2015

Email To My Groomsmen Re: Wearing Black Suits And Matching Condoms On Their Flaccid Penises

To: groomsmen@googlegroups.com
From: zpoitras99@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Wearing Black Suits And Matching Condoms

Hey guys!

Real excited for the wedding! It’s been annoying as hell to plan but it’ll be a great time hanging with all my best buds.

So, in terms of what to wear, I’ve decided that I’d like you guys to all bring black suits, if that’s cool. Any black suit will do.

I’m providing everyone with a burnt sienna tie and pocket square, so if you can just wear a white shirt, that’d be awesome.

Also, I got these matching bacon-print condoms for everyone, and if you could all wear them on your flaccid penises when I get married that'd be great.

Keep your condom-covered penises out for the festivities, of course, so everyone can see how our soft dicks match our ties and pocket squares. That’ll be especially important for photos.

For the reception, it’ll be hot out, so it’s totally ok if you guys loosen your ties after photos. When dancing begins you guys can go ahead and put your dicks away, too, so my grandma doesn’t have to see you get hard.

If you’re going to hide your pork snake, however, please at the very least keep your balls hanging out, so it matches the paper lanterns we have sprinkled throughout the reception area.

And as a groomsman’s gift, I’m getting all of you guys brown leather-strapped ball gags. They’ll go great with the whole decor and once you see what the bridesmaids are wearing it’ll all make sense, I swear.

Oh and Caroline reminded me to tell you guys to please only remove the ball gags during the call and response portion of the ceremony. Troy, I know you have a tiny mouth, so I got you a small ball gag ;).

Alright guys, can’t wait to see your pretty faces and ugly dicks in just a few weeks!


P.S. Just FYI, the condoms are also bacon-flavored, and there will be a couple dogs at the wedding, so watch your bits! I can't wait for you guys to see the cute little condoms the dogs'll be sporting - adorable (and ribbed).