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April 13, 2016
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As a part of the expanding perks of being an Amazon Prime member, users now receive a newborn baby.

Dear Amazon Prime Member,

We’re writing to remind you of the free child you’re entitled to through Amazon Prime. Amazon Kid is a free benefit that comes with Amazon Prime membership.

With Amazon Kid, we’ve eliminated the inconvenience of excessive adoption paperwork or mutual physical attraction to another human. Prime members no longer have to deal with the complicated and delicate process of selecting a suitable mate or lining up a perfect intimate moment with precise biological timing. As with all Amazon services, there’s no need to interact with other humans, much less touch one of them. What once could take months or even years can now be secured through a single click on your computer, phone, or Amazon Fire.

And with Prime shipping, we’ve replaced nine months of waiting for traditional brick-and-mortar children with Prime’s signature two-day shipping. Within just two days, a new Amazon-exclusive child will be delivered directly to your door. (Worried you won’t be home at the time of delivery? Just make the appropriate selection under your delivery preferences, and the box will be conveniently left at your door in the event no one answers.) Alternatively, select no-rush delivery, and receive a free digital credit good for thousands of movies, shows, or digital downloads across Amazon’s library. But please be aware that babies may become crankier the longer they are left in the cardboard box.

We proudly offer hundreds of children abandoned by Amazon employee parents who foolishly thought they could meet the demands of advancing a career at Amazon and starting a family.

Choose one of next month’s releases for FREE. Or simply sign up for your free Amazon Kid, and we’ll randomly grab one from the shelf at an Amazon Fulfillment Center.

This month’s selections include:


JillComedy. When you see the hilarious faces this kid is constantly making, you will quickly forget she was essentially orphaned by the cutthroat culture of the Amazon workplace.


PatrickDrama. Bed-wetting, crying in public, random acts of vandalism: Patrick seems to have taken his abandonment in the name of professional survival personally.


Jane DoeMystery. It’s been two weeks since this baby was found unattended on the set of Bosch, and no one has claimed her. So she gets shipped.


Don’t like the child? Don’t worry! We provide free and simple shipping on returns of children up to five years after delivery.

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