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January 25, 2011

Brought to you from my personal time machine - Sarah Palin's speech from the future!

Brought to you by that time machine in I have kicking around.

Mister Speaker, Vice President Limbaugh, members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow Americans, and our collective Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, his dad God the Dad, and of course the Holy Spirit:

Tonight the eyes of the world are upon us. From one end of the planet to the other people gaze up at American exceptionalism and say, "How jealous we are of American exceptionalism and how can we, the unexceptional, become exceptional?" I look at them and declare, "Gosh darn it, you are exceptional in your own way although your foreign exceptionalism pales to our American exceptionalism." God Bless America.

Since I became the President of the United States we the people have brought in change that has altered all of us. A proud moment was passing the Third World Tax Incentive which forces extra incentive to the country's poor to go get a job. By replicating in the good ole U.S. of A. the living conditions of the destitute in God forsaken countries our underclass has the kick in the patootie that it needs to succeed. No longer will our country's poor be addicted to Big Government through food stamps, unemployment benefits, or clean air and water. God Bless America.

Ours has been a revolution in thought as well as in thinking. No longer do our children suffer the tyranny of science in the classroom. Students everywhere are now taught the facts not some half-baked theories conjured up by people who couldn't even recite Jesus' Sermon on the Moose by heart. By having the federal government partner with the Creation Museum through the Kids and Christ Program America's pupils can understand the intricacies of Adam's and Eve's life with God's creatures like the Tyrannosaurus Rex. God Bless America.

America's Faith Based Charities Program has been super strengthened. Ever since Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security were abolished their old responsibilities are now faith based. Jesus cares about the gout in your foot. You need a kidney? Jesus wants you to have a kidney, too. HE knows that you can't pay your mortgage. Pray. He will provide everything. If you're Jewish, Mohammedian, or Himdu there is hope! America is all about freedom! You have the freedom to convert to Jesusism and become a real American. If you convert you have an added bonus in that you will be able to vote thanks to the new tweaking of the Patriot Act. God Bless America.

It has not been all Easter Sunday since my reign began, however. No. We have met challenges from countries far and farer. My insistence of ordering the Number 9 lunch special at the State Dinner in Beijing showed that I am an Amer-I-CAN. I didn't give a whoot if it was after 3pm. I wanted the Number 9 and the Number 9 is what I got. My hundred and ten percent support for the state of Israel eventually paid off. Now we have a thriving center of trade and democracy in that area of the world, Middle East Disney Land, in what was the Palestinian Territories. I've been there and the parking is more than ample. Another bonus: America is no longer the only country who has used nuclear weapons in anger and we get to rearm the Israelis after their preemptive strike on Iran: Operation Pancake. God Bless America.

In closing, I would like to thank you all for all the hard work we have done in the first year of my Presidency. Our work is far from over. Once we have passed the YAHWEH or the Highway Bill we the people can get down to running the country without the interference gays, atheists, Democrats, people of color, or folks who never watched all the episodes of Sarah Palin's Alaska.

God Bless America!


Why the stripper on the pole image? Well, wouldn't you like to see Sarah like that? Tina Fey, too.