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Published April 19, 2011

I am surrounded by a lot of fat fucking people on a daily basis.  This includes me.  I have no intention of taking it easy on my heart and lung parts, or looking desirable to the opposite sex.  Some people have different aspirations.  Go figure.  It’s a big country, with lots of opinions.  But fuck those people.  Some elitists think that they are too good for daily insulin shots, neuropathy  and toe amputations.  But for the rest of us who literally want to become all we can be, here is a sure fire way to tack on those thirty extra pounds by summer. 

Step 1:  Have realistic goals.
No one gains thirty pounds in a week.  Not Oprah, not Kirstie Alley, not Alec Baldwin.  Those bitches earned it.  Set a realistic goal, like two pounds a week.  Depending on age and genetics, this may be harder for some than for others.  Accept this and realize that you may be the type of person who needs to stay focused if you’re going to fill your body up with some hefty lb’s.

Step  2:  Throw out your gym membership.
Fuck them.  You don’t need them anymore.  If you’re going to take gaining thirty pounds seriously, then you had better start here.  So many times I see friends who swear that they have had it, that they are ready for the weight gain.  The next thing you know, I see them in the gym.  “What the fuck?” I’ll ask.  “You’re not serious, ‘cause if you were, your trainer wouldn’t have had the focus pads out for the last forty-five minutes.”  When, after three months you’re dropping weight, sleeping better and have more energy, don’t come crying to me

Step 3:  Get a desk job.
This is a great two-fer, in that you’ll sit all day and slow your metabolism while at the same time acquiring depression.  Nothing makes you not care about yourself like working in a cubicle where you are constantly reminded that you are just like everyone else and completely expendable.  Now go to the office kitchen and drink five cokes.

Step 4:  Have a long commute.
Want that ass to spread?  Find a job that puts you in your car for an hour a day.  Jack LaLanne couldn’t say no to fast food if he passed eight McDonald’s on his way to work.  Long commutes have the added benefit of creating back and hip problems, which may put the last nail in the exercise coffin.  Again, another two-for-one! 

Step 5:  Get married.
This might be the best advice I have to give.  Sex with one person forever means never having to try again.  True, we do live in an age where most couples get divorced, but to be realistic, no one in a marriage thinks they’ll ever end things.  The next time you finish with your wife, just smile knowing that even after you roll off of her there is nowhere she can go.

Step 6:  Stop smoking.
It seems counterintuitive, but stay with me.  Some studies show that one third of a smoker’s metabolism can be attributed to smoking.  Take this out of the equation, and you’ll be able to walk through the desert for a week and still gain weight.  Not a smoker?  Don't be hard on yourself.  Simply move on to Step 7.

Step 7:  Acquire depression.
While being sad can make you not want to eat, anti-depressants bloat you.  So, if you’re going to utilize this step, don’t half-ass it.  Go all the way and get medicated.

Step 8:  Turn thirty.  Then turn forty.
If all else fails, lose your youth.  It’s exponentially harder to stay fit as we get older, so if you’re the prick who can eat anything and stay trim, just sit around and wait a few years until life catches up to you.

Step 9:  Maintain the weight.
Now that you’re there, stay there.  There’s nothing more embarrassing than bragging about your hard work and then having to walk around trying to hide your sudden weight loss.  Take it from one who knows:  It’s easier to maintain fat than trying to get fat again and again.

You did it, fat ass!

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