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Published August 25, 2013 More Info »
10 Funny Votes
2 Die Votes
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Published August 25, 2013

So as everyone knows by now, I have taken up running and am now an avid enthusiast of this form of torture. I have chosen blood red running shoes to trample over children and small animals on the bike path on Lake Shore Drive. When I run, I pretend that I am a Kenyan, running towards a field of warriors. Warriors that have toned thighs, low cholesterol and wear spanx instead of loincloths. I run so fast and with such purpose that people running in the opposite direction stop and turn around just to see what I’m running towards. I still smoke cigarettes however, but the fierce amount of running I do cancels out any harm the chemicals may think of doing to my body. It’s the same logic where as if I murder 4 men this year, but impregnate 5 women, technically I’m up one. So watch your back, because I’m looking to break even. If anyone wants to join me in a ferocious run tomorrow morning, meet me at Northwesterns emergency room at 6am. I’ll be there visiting the people I mauled over on my run home tonight. -TK

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