At Funny Or Die, we are #blessed to have a well-stocked office kitchen full of snacks to supplement a hard day’s work. However, on the days when you’ve forgotten your lunch and your wallet, a bag of corn chips and an under-ripe banana don’t always satisfy the way a balanced meal would.
So, as an Internet public service, we set to make a guide to healthy, satisfying meals you could make with ingredients found in the average office kitchen. Rather than hire a chef or a nutritionist to consult, we put our interns to the task. Unsurprisingly, the results were extremely disappointing. Still, we wasted everyone’s time and food and needed something to show for ourselves, so we present, in order of worst to best, “8 Mediocre Meals You Can Make in an Office Kitchen.”
1) Beer Shits
At the end of the day, eating chocolate-covered garbage washed down by a beer is better than no lunch at all, but this was truly disgusting. It was really difficult to get someone to even taste it, especially since the intern gave it that unappetizing name. We wanted to have ten options on this list, but this is the dish that made us quit, congrats Intern!
Ingredients: Two apple cereal bars, Nutella, chocolate sauce, and warm Heineken.
2) Tropical Insanity
We know smoothies are really in right now, but this drink probably can’t be considered a meal replacement. One of our taste-testers was really mad about it, “It’s good, but I only had one sip. I feel as if it was thrown together very half-assedly. I feel as if he should be acquitted from the internship program.” Luckily, this was made by a PA, not an intern, so we didn’t have to fire anyone.
Ingredients: Capri Sun, Sprite, margarita mix, coconut water lemonade, Splenda, and slices of tangerine and lemon.
3) King Louie with Turbo Coke
This dish left us with more questions than anything. For one, why was it named after the orangutan from The Jungle Book? And why did the intern think that the drink would explode if it didn’t have a lot of ice in it? Besides that, it was edible, but brought down by terrible apples (more on those later) and general basic-ness.
Ingredients: King Louie: Apples, crunchy peanut butter, a plain bagel, chocolate raisins, and honey. Turbo Cokes: Coffee, Coca-Cola, and lots of ice.
4) The Heat-Seeking Ghost of Breakfast Past
If you’re wondering why this dish has a weird-ass name, it’s because it’s inspired by one of our interns’ time spent living at an art collective. Obviously. You can’t really go wrong piling shit on a bagel, but one of our taste-testers disagreed, “Good, but I don’t trust all of it being on there at once… I love it, but sometimes too much is actually too much, but you should know I am going to finish it.”
Ingredients: An everything bagel, onion/chive cream cheese, an avocado, shredded cheese, crushed jalapeño potato chips, mild salsa, and a smile of hot sauce.
5) The Nikki
We have to respect the intern who straight up named this dish after herself. Nikki may be gone for the summer, but we will never forget the time she made us chicken nachos and an ice cream sundae. One of our taste-testers summed up what made it great and terrible in one sentence, “It feels like something I would serve my friends at a fun sleepover, but the pairing of the two is a recipe for an upset stomach.”
Ingredients: Dish 1: Tortilla chips, shredded cheese, lemon pepper, frozen chicken nuggets, and two different salsas. Dish 2: Chocolate ice cream, chopped Snickers, and 1 mini Midnight Milky Way.
6) Puffy Pie
You can probably tell just by looking that this was dope AF. Unfortunately, it was not exactly healthy or a meal. Also, we left it in the freezer too long and it was very hard to eat. In terms of making it again, if we were having a really bad day we’d maybe make it again for a pick-me-up.
Ingredients: 1 bag of mini Oreos (sans cream), the inside of several frozen cream puffs, 6-8 mini Nilla Wafers, several tablespoons of Nutella, a splash of bottled caramel Frappuccino.
7) Cheesy Apple Toast
This was decently tasty and pretty easy to make, but red delicious apples are truly disgusting. For some reason, they are the main apple found in offices and continue to torment cubicle-dwellers trying to make healthy choices. Tasters agreed they would eat this again, but only if we were out of cereal.
Ingredients: Wheat toast, chive cream cheese, apple, crushed dry-roasted peanuts, and the juice and zest of an orange.
These were straight up delicious and actually an adequate meal! Watching lots of food-based reality shows tells us to be mad at this dish for using too many ingredients and being too ambitious, but it was a big hit. We might not eat them all together in the future, but we’re grateful to the intern who provided three new sandwiches to jazz up our lunch routine.
Ingredients: Three sandwiches on sprouted wheat bread with drink pairings. 1) Avocado, roasted almonds, butter, garlic salt and pepper served with vodka coconut water. 2) Peanut butter, jelly, and crushed granola bars served with almond milk. 3) Nutella, peanut butter cups served with mocha coconut water.