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August 13, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A recent review of voter fraud cases found only 10 incidents of voter impersonation since 2000. "Those 10 people must feel pretty bad they forced us to pass legislation restricting minority and college-age voters' rights," said Republicans.

TSA officers at Boston's Logan Airport claim that minorities are being unfairly targeted. TSA officers at all other airports claim that they love having a job.

Police shot a man in New York City's Times Square as he skipped away from them carrying a kitchen knife. Rest in peace, Mario Batali.

Afghanistan officials are meeting with a former second in command of the Taliban to try to start peace talks. The men agreed that all the bloodshed isn't worth whatever it is women like doing at schools.

Over the weekend, Mitt Romney announced Rep. Paul Ryan as his choice for vice president. For the first time creating a ticket that appeals to both early middle age white men and older middle age white men.

Mitt Romney's announcement was made in front of a decommissioned battleship in Norfolk, Virginia. An important symbol that said "We Know of Old Things."

To keep Romney's choice secret, Paul Ryan traveled to the event wearing sunglasses and a baseball hat. Overall he said he had a lot of fun pretending to be an adult.

The Arab League has postponed selecting a new special envoy to Syria after Kofi Annan resigned over a week ago. Because when a situation is life or death, you don't want to rush anything.

Original "Bold and the Beautiful" cast member Ronn Moss will be leaving the soap opera after more than two decades. No word if his evil twin will leave with him.

China released a mother from a labor camp after imprisoning her for protesting her daughter's rape and authorities' lack of response. She is going to have to pay that fine though...

Two major earthquakes devastated parts of Iran on Saturday. Or as the media refers to them, two major Jews.

The Spice Girls performed on Sunday to close out the 2012 London Olympics. Unlike the opening ceremonies, everyone could unfortunately understand it.