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Published September 12, 2011

    The crazy celebrity thing has been done to death. Charlie Sheen is crazy, we get it. Mel Gibson is a Jew hating nut bag. Right. Lindsay Lohan is a borderline klepto... or...whatever she did that took our attention away from her having big breasts.
 


What did Titsy Lohan...I mean, Nipsy Lo...
what did she do again?

    Sure I get it. So? What's the fucking problem here? Why are we bad mouthing these bastions of bat shit lunacy? Shouldn't we be celebrating these celebrity forays into balls out, foil hatted insanity? Look, when a butterfly flaps it's wings in Portugal and, via the butterfly effect (the chaos theory one, not that hour and a half Ashton Kutcher cum stain on film) it causes a NASCAR driver to lose control of his car, jamming into a barricade, the car bursts into flames, he runs away screaming...also on fire. Is it not our right, nay, our duty to stare at it...and through the horrible disbelief, quietly think, "awesome"!
 


Dear lord I hope he's (on fire) okay. 

    These celebrities hold a special place in our society. They are entertainers, dammit! What right do we have to take that away from them? I think we should bask in our mentally ill celebrities. Elevate their episodes for our own amusement and education. We owe it to them, we owe it...to ourselves. This is America dammit! Not some, crazy, insanity hiding country where gas is expensive and probably doesn't even have toilets...I'm assuming. Better yet, we're not some socialist, commie,  government run slave state. We are NOT The kind of country that allows only one true deranged mother fucker to have a monopoly on the countries psycho supply!
 


Hi. I AM North Korea's Crazy.

    Let's take a moment to reflect and maybe realize just what a valuable commodity we have in our potentially harmful and definitely unbalanced famous people. Look at all the entertainment we have because of these poor sick fucks! Lest we forget.

Mel "The Jews Did it" Gibson


Smile you glorious sonofabitch, smile.

    I was just as shocked as anyone when the news came down the pipe that Riggs went crazy. When I heard the news, I thought for sure he was finding suicide jumpers and flinging them off buildings. Shit, at least waving a gun around in a McDonald's Playland would have made a little more sense, but, no. Before I start this, let me tell you what I think is going on with, my boy, Mel. I have a firm belief that everyone has a little voice inside them. It lets them know whether something is a good or bad idea. It's up to you to take it's advice or not. Now, imagine Mel's inner voice being a tiny, fiery red eyed demon version of Mel....possibly nude. It's desperate for attention and "WANTS OUT!" (to be thought of in your own horror movie growly voice). So, what's the little internal Mel doing these days? Straight fucking over big Mel is what. First, he was a homophobe in the 90's. Now, that does sound bad but, in his defense, back then, everybody wanted to fuck Mel Gibson, be it consensual or otherwise. I think my dog even panted through a Lethal Weapon with full boner on display.



Do me.

    I'm just theorizing here, but, maybe he might have been a little afraid of getting an Andy Dufresne style rape while buying a Snapple. Does that make it right? No, but, still he may have had a valid fear, well, at least a valid fear as far as fucking lunatics are concerned. Now, that episode of wacky wasn't nearly clear enough. Mini-Mel wanted more. Big Mel took care of it all with a couple of gay rights fund raisers, later, practically all was forgiven. Apparently, we, the public not noticing his twisted nature, irritated the wacko Mel lurking just beneath the skin. Next, Mini kicked it up a notch and went with anti-semitism. Someone should have turned him on to the fact that when you go anti-semite, the world's "fucking crazy" alarms start tripping. He blamed it on his dad, made some half-assed apologies, but, the world stayed wary. When you're at this stage, the world doesn't ask you to leave the party, but, they start watering down your fucking drinks a little.



Okay, a lot maybe.

 
    Melly's nutso climaxed...well, so far,...with kicking his girlfriend's ass. Alright, maybe...we didn't witness said ass kicking but, he admitted...to basically, whoopin' up on her. A big ouch to the Mel. Lesson, folks. If you ever want to piss off...almost everybody and tank a successful movie career, *hint* Get a voice recording of you doing a mad rant, include a reference to smackin ah bitch and pepper it with memorable lines like "You should just fucking smile, and blow me! 'Cause I deserve it!". Nothing says lovin' like a firm, well executed back hand, right Mel? Classy. Anyway, that kicked his sanity tailspin into overdrive. Now, I hear he's calling Mexicans "wetbacks".Yeah, mini-Mel, start with the gay community, bring in the Jews and the general non-woman beating community, then, top it off by pissing on a nation. What's next? Fuck a caged hermaphrodite, drunkenly berating her while children watch?

Why celebrate?

    We should view Mel Gibson as a cautionary tale. He's famous and at some point thought that because of said fame, everything he wants to do is acceptable. We all know that's bullshit, but, still, Mel demonstrates extremes of getting your way. He serves as a guiding light to all celebrities either today or tomorrow that if you're going to go psychotic on everyone, don't get all hateful with it. No one likes a rich, racist bitch that slaps chicks. Do it in style....with prostitutes. 



Randy "They're outta get me!" Quaid



Crraaaaaaazzzaaayyyyy.

    Randy Quaid, say it ain't so. Cousin Eddie. He done went craaaazy as a shit house rat on ever body. Well, not so extrospective. Cousin Eddie thinks the world wants him dead. Ah, Randy, Randy, you're the funny one! Nobody wants to beat up the funny one. Dennis however, Dennis is in the cross hairs. Well, that's wrong actually, people want to fuck Dennis, Randy. Just do Cousin Eddie, Randy and we'll forget this "You guys want me dead." thing ever happened, okay?



What do you mean, no?

    It would seem that Randy Quaid is a paranoid nut job like no other. What got me about him and what is so entertaining about his mania is that...it's Randy fucking Quaid. Think of the celebrity least likely to be threatened by anyone, anywhere, at anytime, and then look just behind him...the guy no one is paying any attention to...that's Randy Quaid. What the hell is he talking about? Well, apparently Randy and his woman like to do a little "B & E" when they aren't crafting elaborate conspiracy theories. Oh, I'm sorry...for you non-insane, non-Randy Quaid types, that's "breaking and entering". He and his wife broke into a house and trashed the motherfucker. "Fuckin' rock Randy! Yeeeaaahhhh", you're thinking...well, turns out Randy's balls quadruple in size when his wife partner's up with him. Kinda like, forming Voltron, except with Randy's balls.

 

Psycho balls.

    They figured, they broke into the hous. It's fucking theirs and fuck you if you think it's not! Damn right. Crazy Randy and wife took over a house and were then arrested. Not quietly I might add. Wifey wanted to be shot and she told the cops so...in epic decibels. So, the crazy Quaid's went off to jail and all is forgotten, yeah? Noo...they moved to and want to seek asylum in Canada. To avoid the charges? Nooo...because "star whackers" are after them. Yes, according to Cousin Eddie, there's an elite group of Mafioso types who are hell bent on killing celebrities for their royalties and cool celebrity shit...like royalties. They bug and track their cell phones, hack laptops, tail and stake out their houses, EVERYTHING! For what? That fat Cousin Eddie cash. That's what.


I'm money. 

Why Celebrate?

    Randy Quaid going fruitcake is a two front celebration. On one side, he's one of the last celebrities you'd every expect to lose his shit. He's the celebrity you see commenting on OTHER celebrities losing their shit. That's what makes it so gnarly. He's a completely left field celebricrazy, which means, if he's capable of it...the crazies might be everywhere. We might just live in a sea of goofy fuckers who think cell phone towers are stealing thoughts, confiscating ovaries and shrinking balls. Which is fucking hilarious. The other side of it all is that no matter what level of celebrity they are, they still might be pretentious enough to think the world wants everything they have...even when it...completely fucking doesn't. That's why Randy and wife's lunacy is so great, because logic would say that when it comes to you, Randy Quaid, at the end of the day, when everyone leaves and all the lights go off...the world still thinks of you as Cousin fucking Eddie and really...who the fuck wants to kill Cousin fucking Eddie?



Demi "Cut me like paper" Lovato



On the inside, they called me "Switch blade"

    Demi Lovato for those who don't know is a lovable cutesy cute actress, model singer...thing. You know, one of many Disney Channel clones that have their own shows. Well, she used to be anyway, before she let out a little bit of the nutty! Think of it as a brief but, well heard, fart of crazy. Like, being at a party and figuring it feels like a quiet one, then, it comes out...right at the music stops. Yeah. Like that. It turns out Demi likes to cut herself...OUT OF SHAME! Hey, who am I to judge, I felt a little bit of shame once when I watched porno on my roommates computer. It didn't last long, due to all the masturbating I was doing. Alas, Demi felt shame. Shame enough to cut herself. Poor girl. At least she sought help and hasn't let her self...hacking...get the best of her. It's good to see she has a sense of humor about...something. I mean the chick released this picture...


Camp Rock 3: Rockin' Rehab

    That's not her in rehab, of course. It's a pic from the set of some other fucking show she did, but, it is kinda fucked up that she released some shit like that. You know, given the fact that she put her self in rehab over all "the shame cutting". Besides, anyone whose done a turn on the rehab screw knows they wouldn't let you take a camera in with you...it has a strap...you could use it to...beat another patient with it...out of SHAME! 

Why Celebrate?

    Demi's crazy is a reason to celebrate the diversity of celebrity whack jobs. She represents the future of celebrity craziness. She's young and spooky. Her coming out with it and telling the world to fuck itself if they don't like it, was outstanding and ballsy. I smile at that kind of brazen, in your face crazy. I, for one, am glad. So she cuts herself, at least she admits it, right? Now, when she starts cutting other people and claiming she's trying to release their trapped souls from their oppressive, Nazi engineered skin cages, we can say. "Oh, Demi, you so crazy!" Also, she's a clean cut Disney Channel robot, clone kid...thing. Which means, if she is fucked up, THEY'RE ALL FUCKED UP! It's a rule I think somewhere at Disney headquarters. It's probably posted somewhere by the contract you have to sign in blood, while being watched by Walt Disney's severed head...and robot body. What do you think "The Hall of Presidents" was made for? Disney wanted to test robot bodies, so when his flesh body died his head could be attached the cyborg body the imagineers came up with. So he can live forever, you know. You don't believe me? I knew you wouldn't, no one ever does. It's so lonely being the harbinger of so much truth. I feel sick with the burden of it all. Perhaps, I can drown the sorrow of knowing how the Disney, Nazi propaganda clone machine functions and how it will one day rule us all, with a little bit o' cuttin'...out of SHAME!



Elton writes other things here...Elton Says Things

Or, if you're one of THOSE people, follow him on Twitter here.
 

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