Netflix has announced that it plans to expand its on-demand media streaming service to 130 countries globally by the end of 2016.Does this mean that other countries will be Netflixing and chilling like everyone in the United States? A French guy explains.
I do not know if you ‘ave ‘eard, but we in France recently got this Américain thing called “Le Netflix.” And along with it came “Le Netflix et Le Chill.”
We ‘ave imported and enjoyed many Américain things to La France in zee past — like zee Américain Levis blue jeans and zee Américain rock ‘n’ roll and zee Américain McDonald’s ‘amburger. But it is crazy that you Américains think that you can import “Le Netflix et Le Chill” into La France when La France invented zee fucking!
You see, in La France we ‘ave no need for childish euphemisms like “Le Netflix et Le Chill.” In La France, we fuck, make zee love, ‘ave zee sex, bang, ‘ave zee intercourse, screw, copulate, fonicate. We are not embarrassed! We do not need to ‘ide our lovemaking! We are zee masters of seduction!
Let me explain to you Américains ‘ow we do “Le Netflix et Le Chill” in La France. First, you find zee pretty girl at zee cafe. As everyone knows, all zee girls in France are beautiful and skinny and young-looking with no effort, so this is very easy. Then, you and zee pretty girl each smoke ‘alf a pack of cigarettes. I know you are Américain so you will want to lecture me on how bad zee smoking is for my lungs, but shut up because it is très très sexy. ‘Ere is a picture of a sexy smoker. I like ‘ow she is breathing fire.
Once you and zee pretty girl ‘ave each smoked ‘alf a pack of cigarettes, this is where zee fun starts. We go back to my apartment, and we put an Edith Piaf record on zee record player, and we eat some very ripe stinky cheese, and we drink three bottles of Bordeaux while talking about philosophy by Voltaire and Derrida and Sartre. Everyone knows that Sartre is très sexy and gets people in zee mood to fuck. ‘Ere is a picture of ‘im!
Finally, we fuck! And then we each smoke zee other ‘alf pack of cigarettes.
You see? Zee television does not come into play! Do you think that French ladies get turned on by a bunch of angry women in ugly orange outfits? Mais NON! Do you think that French ladies are excited by Kevin Spacey’s très stupide accent? Mais NON! Do you think that French ladies want to disrobe while contemplating zee joke that is zee Américain legal system? Mais NON!
And what about other countries? Will they like “Le Netflix et Le Chill?” I do not think so! Zee man in Italy goes straight to zee fucking part and afterwards ‘as zee woman make ‘im a big pot of zee spaghetti. Zee man in Argentina dances tango with a flower in ‘is mouth and smoothly transitions to fucking — they call this “El Tango y El Fuck.” What about zee man in Russia? Yes, yes, ‘e is watching “Le Netflix.” But there is no “Le Chill!” Instead, zee Russian man watches “Le Netflix” while ‘is girlfriend yells and throws potatoes at ‘is ‘ead.
La France does not need “Le Netflix et Le Chill” to seduce a woman!
Vive la France!
Un Monsieur Français