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August 20, 2015
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A career ends.

As you know, this is a business and in business we need to make some tough decisions from time to time. With that said, it is with deep regret that we’re going to have to let you go. Please know that this is not personal. Times are tough and we’re having to cut back
everywhere. We’re even getting rid of the plastic forks and knives in
the employee cafeteria, which means it’s sporks from here on out.

We know you won’t be able to enjoy those sporks and we would like you to know that the hard work and countless hours you put in day after day are not lost on us. We really appreciate it. However, moving forward, perhaps consider another field? Might I suggest dog walking? Very lucrative these days. Being the Pepper Person at a restaurant would also be a great alternative career. You know who I’m talking about; the guy solely in charge of grinding pepper over salads and soups. Plus, you’ll be able to make that neat little crunching sound with the grinder. Just something to think about.

I understand you recently put a down-payment on a house and have two kids at home with another on the way, so we want to make your
departure an easy one financially speaking as well. That’s why we’re
referring you to our In-House Transitional Liaison. Here’s a brochure. We typically charges $750 per meeting, but if you use this coupon, you can get 5 dollars off your initial consultation as well as a free small pizza at Papa John’s. Toppings not included, weekdays only.

Here’s a packet the company puts together to help serve outgoing
employees. It includes a document outlining the amount of money you could have made working here until retirement age if you weren’t let go, a photo of you and the colleagues you’ve become so close with, and the address of the nearest liquor store. We also have this personalized Hallmark card we’d like to give you. As you can see, inside it says “To whom it may concern,” and when you open this flap and the dinosaur pops out, it says “Sorry we’re letting you go.” In addition, here’s a VHS copy of Swingers. The movie itself is unrelated to your transition, but it’s been lying around the office and we figured it’d cheer you up. It’s the pinnacle of Vince Vaughn’s career.

Next in our departure process, we’re going to have to ask you to stand up and walk in front of this mirror. Great. Now look at yourself… really study your face. Think about all of the hardships you’ve gone through, all of the sacrifices you’ve made. Great. Now, punch yourself in the nose. You heard me. Make a fist, raise your arm, and punch yourself as hard as you can. Great, thanks. You can sit down now.

We know this may be hard, so please understand that you can transition out at your own pace. With that said, please vacate the property in no less than 20 minutes; security will escort you to your office to collect your things. As you leave, we ask that you do not make eye contact with the other employees. If they ask why you’re leaving early, just say you’re sick. I think Legionnaires is going around.

We know this is uncomfortable; we hate when outgoing employees feel like they have some sort of dunce cap on. So here’s a literal dunce cap; please wear this as you walk out.

Anywho, thanks again for your time here; 40 years is nothing to scoff at.

We wish you the best.

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