Yes, it’s me, Hobey — the pot-bellied pig that was ejected from that US Airways flight in Connecticut over the holiday weekend and suffered through one of the most humiliating and traumatizing ordeals of my entire life.

Beyond the incredibly barbaric treatment I was subjected to and the overwhelming embarrassment that I’ll probably never recover from, the thing that bothers me more than anything about this whole awful affair is the fact that I was the most civil, least-disgusting animal on that entire flight.

That’s right, every single person on that plane was less hygienic, more annoying, and much, much ruder than me — who is a pig.

“But you defecated all over the floor, Hobey!” Yes, fine, I’ll cop to it: I did in fact have a fairly prodigious BM on the cabin floor, which I’ll admit, did not smell fantastic. But you know who else was shitting everywhere? That goddamn stupid ugly baby three rows up, and no one kicked it off the plane.

I can’t even believe airlines allow people to bring those things aboard.

And I hardly think I was “screaming uncontrollably” as the media put it; I was simply trying to apologize for pooping everywhere, in the only way I’m physiologically capable of. And really, what’s a little squealing when compared to that loudmouthed scumbag businessman in first class, yelling some bullshit golf story at his uninterested seat-mate in between sexually harassing the flight attendant and downing double scotches?

The other thing that really irks me is that people kept complaining like I was some humongous sow or something. I only weigh 80 pounds — that’s it. That’s barely a large roller-board suitcase! At least I’m not some 300-pound piece of shit in an Ed Hardy T-shirt, filling his sweatpants with Arby’s farts while he drools all over his New England Patriots neck pillow.

Christ almighty. You can see my balls pretty much all the time and I have more dignity than that.

And let’s not forget that I’m a fucking service animal. When this whole unfortunate event occurred, I was working — working to alleviate my owner’s anxiety and stress that she suffers due to flying. Would you ostracize a firefighter just because he took a dump and squealed a whole bunch while he was putting out a fire? No, you would not.

But I guess my main question is, why am I being held to a higher standard of etiquette than the average human passenger? Sure, I got flustered and wasn’t acting totally like myself, but I sure as hell wasn’t being as awful as most people on commercial flights. I even heard some folks have been getting in fights on planes because they put little plastic things in the seats to prevent the person in front of them from reclining! That’s just misanthropic.

I would never do that, and I eat as much garbage as I possibly can out of any garbage can within reach before my owner catches me and starts spritzing me with the spray bottle.

You know, flying used to be a civilized thing, for people and for pigs. But now it’s one of the most dehumanizing parts of modern life. And when you treat people like animals in the myriad ways that the airlines do, guess what? They’re going to act like animals. So I put it to you, airline companies: Please do what you can to restore some modicum of nobility and class to the incredible endeavor that is flight.

In the meantime, I think we’d all do well to act a little bit more like trash-eating pigs.

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