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Published May 07, 2013

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Don’t forget that Mother’s Day is this Sunday! If you’re still trying to decide what to get mom, here are some common gift ideas that are probably best avoided.

1. A strong pat on the back and a heartfelt “Keep up the good work”

2. Legal custody of two “high functioning” 13-year-old grandsons

3. An Instagram of your growing bald spot with the caption “You did this”

4. A 24 hour window in which you temporarily remove her email address from your blocked senders list

5. One complimentary tour of the Convalescents “R” Us nursing home

6. Good vibes

7. Quick summary of your wedding and a promise to invite her to the next one

8. Backpack full of Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets

9. Your top 100 Kate Middleton gifs from Jan – April ’13  

10. Discounted subscription to your “Animal Ethics” podcast

11. One Office Max “20% Off Everything You Can Fit in this Bag” bag

12.  The chance hear you do your famous Samuel L. Jackson “Hold onto your butts!” impression

13. An email with a link to the “CSI” IMDB page because you heard she like watches that show or whatever

14. Game genie

15. Position of the Day Playbook with your favorites highlighted

16. Recording of you and dad singing along with Pink Floyd’s “Mother”

17. A copy of your new Kindle Single, Why Adam Lanza was Right

18. Your sticky note reminder to “buy present 4 mom”  

19. One pocket constitution with your notes on how Obama is currently “ass raping” each article and amendment

20. Used Metallica t-shirt with the note, “Please return upon receipt thx”

21. BluBlockers

22. A behind-the-scenes DVD of Chris Christie’s lap band surgery with commentary

23. “HMD” posted on her Facebook wall

24. Another year of repressing those feelings of profound resentment, guilt and bitterness

25. Tie rack  

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