YEEEEOOOOOOWWW! OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT! HOLY COW I’M FLYING REAL FAST! WOW! WOWEE WOW WOW WOW! WHAT A RUSH! OKAY DUDE, GET A GRIP! GET A FUCKING GRIP! TAKE A BREATH AND FIGURE OUT WHAT’S GOING ON.
First things first: where the hell am I going? Wherever it is, I’m going there FAST. Like, real fast. I mean, holy FUCK. Things are super blurry. Everything’s all like WHOOSH right now. Here’s what I know: I exploded out of a gun a nanosecond ago and I’m careening straight forward at what feels like 800 mph. But I truly don’t have an inkling of my destination, and that makes me nervous. I’m telling you, I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sorry, where are my manners! Hi, I’m a bullet. Nice to meet you. How am I able to say all of this in the mere fraction of a second it takes me to travel wherever it is that I’m going (seriously though, where the FUCK am I going)? Well, time tends to slow down in moments of terror, and believe you me buddy boy, this sleek little nugget of lead and copper alloys is fucking terrified.
C'mon man, wake up. WAKE. UP. This has to all be a dream. Yeah, that’s it, I’m asleep. I’m fast asleep in my cozy little ammo box with all my friends, tucked away on a Wal-Mart shelf, dreaming away–EW FUCK A BUG JUST SPLATTED ON MY FACE EW EW EW YUCK! Dammit I’m definitely not asleep. I hope that obliterating that gnat is the worst destruction I cause today. But let’s be honest, it probably won’t be. Mannn, I really wish this wasn’t happening.
FUCK! I’M. FLYING. SO. FUCKING. FAST. If I wasn’t so freaked out about how this is all gonna end, I can see how this would be pretty fun actually. Zipping through the air without a care in the world. But instead I’ve got this whole black cloud looming over me. Where. The fuck. Am I going? Ugh ugh ugh.
There are so many places I could be heading towards and almost none of them are good news. In fact, nearly every scenario I can imagine gives me a seriously gross sinking feeling. Of course I would love to believe that I’m en route to a practice target at a gun range or a stump out in the woods. That would be aces. I’d burrow on in there and make myself a little home where I could just rust away in peace. No harm no foul.
But who am I kidding. That’s probably not the case. I heard a lot of yelling while I was hanging out in the chamber so I’m pretty sure this whole thing is not good. No sir, not good at all. That tells me we’re not alone in the woods. We’re somewhere with people. People that are upset. I suppose angry shouting before a gunshot is better than the sound of children playing or casual workplace conversation, but that’s hardly comforting. I mean, there’s rarely a happy ending when my kind are involved. But where exactly am I going? It can’t be good. I just know it. Fuck. FUCK.
Oh shit was that Mark? MARK! Over here! Where are you going? Hey Mark!
Damn, he didn’t see me. Mark, a bullet I met at the ammo manufacturing plant, just flew past in the opposite direction! I wonder where he’s headed…oh shit. Two of us headed in different directions? That’s not good. Not. Good. At. All. That means there are at least two guns in this scenario. Jesus. What the hell am I involved in?
Oh shit. Oh fuck. I’m getting close to something now. Oh god it looks like a person. No no no. Oh god no. Is it a good person? Is it a bad person? Is the world ever that black and white? Fuck me. Fuck all of this. Time to brace for impact. FUCK. I’m super sorry for whatever’s about to happen.
Let the records show I wanted nothing to do with this.