As we all prepare for the newest James Bond outing, Spectre, to hit theaters next Friday, let’s take a look back at some of the forgotten women 007 loved and lost.

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Rebecca Analsex
Who could forget this bathing beauty from 1968’s The Spy Who Loved To Fuck But Even Moreso From Behind? Played by Jennifer Mayhew, this actress is still working when she can but, unfortunately, was seriously typecast as someone who was always up for butt stuff.


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Golden Shower
This bronzed beauty first showed up in 1975’s Pissin’ Impossible but returned for a cameo in 1981’s Urine Trouble Now, Bond! James was a jerk and pretended he didn’t know her. It was super rude cause in the first movie they engaged in some pretty crazy shit.


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Lisa Shavenpuss
From 1985’s Road To Nohair, this severely unpopular Bond Girl is only slightly remembered for her scene where James was defusing a bomb and delivering the line, “I hope this doesn’t explode all over my face!!!” before winking DIRECTLY TO CAMERA. She never worked again.


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Fuck
By 1987, the writers were sick of thinking of sexy pun names so simply named this character “Fuck.” In fact, the writers had so given up at this point they didn’t even cast an actress. This is just a really good mannequin.


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April Soggypanties
This Bond Girl was originally named April Moist but apparently girls HATE that word. It tested really poorly so they changed it. Rather than reshooting, it’s just super bad ADR. Anyways, this chick is in real estate now.


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James Bond
Due to a scripting error, this character’s name was James Bond as well. It screened once at Cannes and, after 37 minutes of solid booing from the audience, was never shown again.


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Ballicka Jaymes
Played by Susan Crawford, this actress was unaware she was in a movie and honestly just thought she was having a really crazy week.


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DuBelle Penetration
Jessica Lockroom played this forgotten vixen from 1992’s James Bond And His Old College Roommate Try Something Once Just For The Story Of It. She has spent following 23 years distancing herself from this film and replied to our multiple emails with “no comment.”


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Virginia Squirter
In a film plagued with problems from the start, actress Reesa Dunne passed away halfway through filming You Only Live Twice. Sadly, for Reesa, this was not true.


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May I. Rawdog
In addition to being a lost Bond Girl, actress Jennifer Ashcraft is also a lost actress. Anyone with information on her whereabouts is asked to call the Sun County police station in Southern California.

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