THE BREAKUP AGENCY: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Rules of Engagement #1
You’ve contacted ‘The Breakup Agency’. The hard part is over, now let the fun begin.
Rules of Engagement #2
If you feel stuck in your dead-end relationship and see no way out, contact us first.
Rules of Engagement #3
Never involve lawyers.
Rules of Engagement #4
Never use children as a crutch to stay in a bad relationship.
Rules of Engagement #5
If you think your significant other has a one up on you, think again.
Rules of Engagement #6
Find a breakup theme song. Think along the lines of Alex Clare “Too Close”, Juvenile “Set it off”, NF “Start Over” or Limp Bizkit “Boiler”, the angrier the better.
Rules of Engagement #7
Get a good cry on. Someone once said big girls don’t cry. Well, they were wrong. Crying is therapeutic. If you cry, we cry with and for you.
Rules of Engagement #8
If there is a physical altercation, the first call should be the police; the second should be ‘The Breakup Agency’.
Rules of Engagement #9
Remember, a chief doesn’t run.
Rules of Engagement #10
For our brothers and sisters in arms, this one is for you. Change your direct deposit immediately if something doesn’t smell right.
Rules of Engagement #11
If you keep making excuses for someone’s deplorable behavior in your relationship and keep placing a Band-Aid on it for whatever reason. Stop it. The fastest way to let you heal is to rip that bastard off with a quickness.
Rules of Engagement #12
If you ever receive a “Dear John” letter, only reply with three letters. T.B.A (The Breakup Agency).
Rules of Engagement #13
Nothing is ever a coincidence.
Rules of Engagement #14
If you want to remain friends with your soon to be ex, lose our info. There is no situation in which you should remain friends. Only remain cordial if you have children. No other excuse.
Rules of Engagement #15
Don’t social media stalk your ex, just to see if they’re doing OK. Trust us, they’re fine and plus you left them for a reason.
Rules of Engagement #16
Always move forward, never backward. Meaning when it’s done, it’s done. That’s why you contacted us. Don’t let our mutual hard work go to waste by your feelings of regret.
Rules of Engagement #17
We should have to tell you this, but if you want to get a tattoo of your spouse or significant other. Put that thing on your forehead. Why? So you can look in the mirror and see how dumb it truly looks.
Rules of Engagement #18
Don’t kick yourself when you’re already down by thinking you’re nothing without them. Let us kick them when they’re down, that’s why you hired us.
Rules of Engagement #19
Don’t have one last romp in the sheets… ever.
Rules of Engagement #20
Give yourself 24 hrs. before you contact us. Why, because when you contact us, our services are a permanent solution to your pain.
Rules of Engagement #21
If you don’t want to know the truth about your relationship, don’t contact us. We are the truth seekers and we are good at what we do.
Rules of Engagement #22
All military service members and spouses services are free. Why? Because the military family is a loyal son of a bitch.
The Breakup Agency is a military themed TV-pilot drama, written and created by Brian Steuber
For inquiries email: firstname.lastname@example.org