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April 26, 2017
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Local Weather Whiners Refuse to Move to Better Climate

Thousands of angry residents from suburban Green Rock took to the streets last Thursday to protest what they call unfair weather practices. “This weather infuriates me in ways being on hold with customer service never could,” complains life-long resident Winifred Fredwin. When asked if she has ever considered moving to a climate that she prefers, she responds, “People just can’t move! I have to live here for the rest of my life because moving would be one long production.”

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Don’t threaten me like that.

One of Green Rock’s candidates for mayor, Sheila Isalarke, has a long history of not tolerating bad weather, with her campaign slogan stitched onto hats citywide: “Who’s ready to burn Hurricane Arnie the Clown at the stake? Or at the very least, throw it down the well?” “I shouldn’t have to be the one to move,” shouts Sheila from a bullhorn into the mid-day crowd at the post office, “When Thunderstorm Opie and Earthquake Hulk Hogan devastated my vegetable garden last spring, I just knew there was nothing left for me to do than complain — and run for mayor of a city that I will never leave.”

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Sure it does.

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