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January 19, 2012

Josh Duke, staff

Reverend Fred Phelps
Westboro Baptist Church
3701 W. 12th St
Topeka, KS

Dear Rev. Phelps,

I represent a small humor publication on the north coast of California entitled Savage Henry Independent Times. On behalf of S.H.I.T. I have a rather unorthodox, yet mutually beneficial proposal for you and your congregation.
The Westboro Baptist Church has long been known for its demonstrations around the country where you astutely hold signs reminding the heathen populace that “God Hates Fags,” or “Thank God for AIDS.” These can be seen during such events as funerals of various prominent homosexuals and soldiers that have died in combat. But lately the vitriolic press coverage you once garnered for your efforts has been overshadowed by all those pesky lawsuits brought upon your congregation that seek to do nothing more than to infringe upon your constitutionally granted 1st Amendment rights.
We here at S.H.I.T. may have a solution to your public relations rut. Our unruly, socialist, pro-legalization, pro-choice, pro-marriage equality, pinko commie liberal magazine would love to be the next subject of one your trademark demonstrations. No one can seem to remember a time when you protested the written word. You would be expanding yourself into new and bold markets that your fellowship has yet to see.
To accommodate your visit to the liberal bastion of Arcata, CA, an associate of S.H.I.T. will escort you through city hall to assist with the permitting process for your event, as well as give you a guided tour of several locations that would be suitable to hold such an event. Several of these locations have also been conveniently canvassed so that they may also accommodate the anticipated (and at this point, seemingly obligatory) counter-protest that I am sure you are accustomed to.
You may be wondering why we are asking you to protest our own magazine, but there are some very mutually beneficial reasons for this to occur. Firstly, your congregation has never demonstrated in Humboldt county, and as you seem to thrive on feeling unwelcome, I cannot think of a place more suited to providing that feeling. Look at it as an untapped market in the eyes of God. Secondly, your followers are in need of a serious change of pace. Protesting funerals will only get you so far. You never know, railing against a liberal, pro-pot smoking cabal of gay-loving heathens might actually draw more followers (and donors) to your flock. In return, S.H.I.T. will garner all the sympathetic media coverage that comes with being one of your intended targets.
Included with this letter are several copies of past issues of S.H.I.T. If you do not find the content of these issues ungodly enough to condemn our souls to the fiery pits of hell for all of eternity, please direct us in how to reach a level of wickedness that would warrant your presence. To help launch your campaign, we have already registered the domain name godhatesmags.com, which we will gladly turn over to your control in order to get the ball rolling. We here at S.H.I.T. look forward to your reply and your visit!

Joshua Duke
Savage Henry Independent Times