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May 11, 2017

I think the title says it all. This is a true story about the first time I attempted sex, and the embarrassing moments thereafter.

The first time I had sex. Well… There’s no easy way to say this. I came in my pants.

Okay, so I came in my pants. Alright… No please. Laugh at my trauma. It wasn’t fun for anyone, by the way. So this is more of a story of the first time I tried to have sex.

That can have a psychological effect on you… like forever. Not really. But at the time, I thought so. Well, looks like I’m going to be a virgin forever. This was fun while it lasted, but I am fucked. She’s going to tell EVERYONE. Monday at school is going to be a nightmare. You know what, fuck it, I’m moving back to Texas.

So she was partially laying on me, and just kind of crazily looking at me, not really sure what to say. I’m lying there in my boxers. Seriously, I hadn’t even got them off yet, and I can’t even look at her. I’m staring at the ceiling like: Did that just fucking happen? Did I even have a full boner? Or did I just like spontaneously cum? I don’t know. It’s so weird. Oh my god, is she still looking at me?

Is she– I looked at her and she was just starring down at me. She kind of looked like a cross between someone who was horrified, concerned, and confused. Oh Jesus! I thought. She’s just staring at me. What the fuck do I do? Do I leave? Do I just go to the bathroom, and jump on the window? Am I still holding my dick right now?

Luckily for me, we recovered, and then we actually dated on and off for about 2 years. Sometimes it pays to be handsome and charming. I’m kidding. No seriously, I’m like 85% sure that if I didn’t have an awesome personality and look like this, I might still be a virgin.

Anyway, I pretty much forgot about that completely… until… Yep. It happened again! No, that was seriously a joke. We actually finally broke-up, broke-up and I had to go back into the world of single people.

It was a whole new world. I was singing Aladdin as walked I walked through the halls. A new world of all these very attractive girls that I could now have sex with. Not that I couldn’t before, but now I actually knew how. I didn’t really know what to expect though. I mean I only experienced one amazing vagina for very a long time. (I really hope you’re not reading this Mom)

I didn’t realize that this traumatic event was still in my subconscious. Until, the next girl, which I thought I loved, and started having sex with. She was a little older. Well… my first was older too, but this one was more like… a cougar in my eyes.

Not really. Let’s just say if I was a freshman she would have just graduated. From an 18 or 19-year-old perspective that’s a cougar baby. I mean we thought dating someone two grades under us was like dating a child.

Don’t get too impressed. The relationship lasted maybe a month, and she broke-up with me in a car full of her friends. I cried like a little bitch. It was bad. That’s a story for another time, or maybe never. But the sex was great!

She had a banging body, and she was super good at what she did. (Hahah! Sorry, I made her sound like a hooker) But she did do things that I wasn’t use to. I mean I was only with one person before her, so anything she did was like finding out an old friend recently got turrets.

I couldn’t predict what she was going to do or say, and every time she did anything, it was a surprise to me. (hahaha)

That’s a great analogy by the way. You’re gonna use that shit.

Anyway, long story short, (I did a bit about this on stage- the video I think is still on my YouTube page) she did some crazy shit. And she got on top a lot, which I wasn’t use to. So one time she did… and I didn’t wanta… you know. Cum too soon. And there it was.

Oh shit, the memories came rushing back to me. And she was just on top of me, going to town like a hooker on crack, incredible body. All I could think about was, don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cum. Especially inside of her. Holy shit. No way, I thought. I was going commando. More importantly, I didn’t want to do it so soon… It had maybe been 2 minutes. (Hahaha) All right, like 20 seconds.

She wasn’t helping at all either. She was just moaning, and loudly saying things. Which is like my weakness. If you want this to last, you need to shut the fuck and don’t say shit like that.

So I told her, like the gentleman I am, I was about to… you know. And she responded by saying, “Oh yes! Baby cum! Cum Baby!” …What the fuck did we just talk about. You can’t say that to me while we’re having sex and expect it to continue.

So I tried telling her again, “No baby, I’m about to cum.” And now she started going harder, moaning louder, nearly screaming, and repeated herself.

This wasn’t working. I told her again, more urgently. She stayed on, and I wasn’t about to have babies at 18. I was just about to explode…

And so I couldn’t say anything… so I just kind of threw her off…

I might have accidentally, briefly, knocked her out. Okay, I her head hit the wall. She fell down beside the bed. There may have been some blood. I scooted off the bed, dick in on hand, and with the other I apologetically and unsuccessfully reached for her. I looked over my shoulder as I ran out the room and yelled, “I’m sorry!” And I ran naked through her none-empty house to the bathroom.

…. Cuming in your pants will fuck you up, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

(No one was actually hurt at all during the making of this story. This is more like a stand-up comedy bit. Creative non-fiction. I exaggerate in some parts. My ex-girlfriend did not get hurt during this. The only thing that was hurt was my pride, which is now gone.)