Sexuality not even discussed once with new Privates


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Military history was made last night as Ernie Brockwell became the first Sergeant to interrogate a new group of Privates without once implying any of them were homosexual.

“Just because you can now serve openly, doesn’t mean everyone will be,” Brockwell said. “It’s not my job to ask young men about their preferred sexuality. It’s my job to make them do push-ups and jump through tires and stuff.”

The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy was in effect for the U.S. Military from December 1993 until President Obama overturned it this past September. The policy allowed closeted  homo- or bi- sexual applicants to serve without persecution, but forbade openly gay persons from military service.  

Now, anybody can serve, regardless of their orientation or preferred lifestyle. But Brockwell said that despite all of this, the insecure group of young men seemed to be afraid of him.

“Yeah, young men joining the Army or the Navy or the Marines are almost expecting a cartoonish Sergeant to yell at them and humiliate them and overtly obsess about closeted homosexuality on day one. Probably based off of what they see on the TV. But that’s just not my style,” Brockwell said coolly. “Who cares, really, if someone is gay in the military? We don’t do checks like that on pizza boys or Starbucks baristas or Pottery Barn cashiers, so why here?”

“Being gay or straight wouldn’t affect your job performance at all. It’s not like on the first day of working at an office, a gay guy announces to everyone that he’s gay,” the Sergeant added. “Maybe he’ll tell you one day, or more likely, you’ll just figure it out, and in some cases, you might have a pretty good idea for several years and then become very confused when one day that guy comes to the office Christmas party with a wife.”

One scrawny-looking and easily intimidated young man even informed Sgt. Brockwell he was from Texas, and the Sergeant did not use the opportunity to tell him that only two things come from there.

“Nobody uses the word “steers” anymore,” said Brockwell. “Who says “steers”? What are you, a hundred?”

When asked if there was any reason Brockwell had declined to discuss the sexuality of this group in particular, he delicately touched the sides of his head as if he was making sure his hair looked nice enough to answer the next question.

“It was pretty obvious none of them were gay, I called it from a mile away,” the Sergeant explained, for some reason looking a little put-out. “They may have all been wearing the same ugly camouflage thing, but I could see it in their eyes that they were not good dressers. Oh, and please. Somebody needs to tell these barbers that the bald look does NOT work on white boys.”