1) The Under Bridge Railroad
Negan’s best men are no match for Daryl’s clown car bush. Able to hide dozens of women and children in a single bush! I’m detecting Tara may be harboring ill will towards Dwight, based on the fact that she just hucked a charred walker straight at his grill.
2) Father G Is Not Looking So Hot
You’re not looking so good, Father G! Sweaty and talking slow and having trouble reading a map that’s two inches from your face. Ohhh, I know what’s going on. You’re at Coachella! Try closing one eye, that usually does the trick. Only three hours to hightail it out of there before that crawling zombie kills you both.
3) Eyes Wide Shut
Guys. I didn’t go to any fancy eye college, but even I know you should have your shit open when taking a roadside eye exam.
4) Daryl’s 10 Minute Rest
Love Daryl’s management style. These people are exhausted because they haven’t slept? Let them rest for TEN MINUTES. Have you ever tried resting for ten minutes? It doesn’t work. Resting for no minutes is better because at least that way you’re not lying to yourself with this 10-minute nonsense.
Dwight posts up in the background on the skinniest tree of all time. It’s basically a giant toothpick for his asshole.
5) Morgan Is Giving This Kid Crazy Lessons
Morgan is preparing his apprentice with crazy lesson. New Carl is already being crazy at an 8th grade Morgan level! Staring into the distance, clutching a murder stick. Glazed over face, only speaking to say he’s fine or make death threats. They grow up so fast, he’s going to be clear in no time.
6) Negan Ran Out Of Infinite Ammo
You heard the man, Eugene! Negan used up the last of his infinite ammo, so go to that ammunition factory that was last mentioned, like, TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO, and whip up some more infinite ammo! Chop chop!
7) Their Cups Runneth Over
Wow. Father G was right about this place! It’s a gold mine! He found … a piggy bank and some radio nerd’s journal. Great work. The Doc would love to listen to Father G’s dying ramblings, but he has to go kill a dead guy.
8) Maggie’s 42 Months Pregnant
Maggie looks at this baby to remind us she’s pregnant. Because we’d have no other way to tell since she still has abs. Only 37 more trimesters to go, Mags!
9) Pill Party
Hear that, Father G?! These are antibiotics! You’re saved! And he has some Quaaludes in the closet. The LAST QUAALUDES EVER! Let’s fucking party, dude!
10) Swamp Things
Uhhhhh. Guys. This swamp looks extremely dangerous. You’re all gonna die. And you’re gonna die with WET ICKY SWAMP SOCKS. The worst fate imaginable.
11) Gregory Is Still The Worst
Public service announcement reminder that, despite anything he ever says, Gregory still sucks worse than icky swamp socks.
12) Butt Tunnel Vision
It looks like Father Gabriel is inside of a butthole looking out. There is simply no other way to describe it.
Wait, he just found map and some car keys in that piggy bank? His butthole seeing ass keeps winning. Screw the map, take him and the ‘ludes to Zombie Vegas and put five grand on red! This blind priest is hot!
13) Vengeance For Doctor Lady
Sorry, Dwight. Tara doesn’t care about your apology. Because you killed Doctor Lady. Everyone’s fifth favorite doctor on this show. WOODS CHASE, BITCHES!
Uh, that was a really weak woods chase. I’d like to speak to the Woods Chase manager, I demand a refund.
14) Just Shoot Me
Let’s pump the brakes on that Vegas trip. It appears Father G’s luck may have run dry, what with the doc getting fully stuck in a bear trap.Guys. I didn’t graduate from any fancy gun shooting universities but aren’t you supposed to keep your eyes open for the duration of your aiming?
Jesus take the trigger! Vegas trip back on!
15) Daryl’s Pissed
Daryl is PISSED Tara sent Dwight back to the Saviors. He’s saying more words than he’s said for the last four seasons so you know he means business!
What’s His Name (Jobin?) covers Judith’s baby ears because she does NOT need to hear those stuff and things. That is sooooo a What’s His Name (Jobin?) season 8B thing to do. What a fully developed character.
17) Breaking Sad
Daryl breaks the news to the gang in slooooow motionnnn. “Caaaaarl. He didn’t make it. He diiiiiied. It took foreverrrrr, you should honestly be stoked you weren’t around for it. It was laaaaame.”
And the tears of joy overwhelm them.
18) Morgan’s Bedtime Story
Morgan comforts this kid by letting him know he already violently murdered the guy who killed his brother. Sooooo, yeah. Sleep great tonight, little buddy.
19 Eugene: Scientist Of Bullets And Love
Eugene responds to one of the last women on earth flirting with him by scolding her for her lack of gloves and proper eye protection. Then he barks at hear to whip up some eggs and prepare to wipe the sweat from his brow. If you turn the volume up on this scene, you can actually hear her vagina sealing up. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! Will Father G be a good employee in Eugene’s bullet factory? They’re definitely going to save some money on his protective eye wear. Will Gregory and that dude take advantage of Maggie’s work release program? They’re plotting their revenge right after they starve to death. Will Negan attack Hilltop? Yes, but only after five or six more minutes of sensually rubbing Lucille into zombie faces and tummies. Maybe ten more minutes of zombie tummy rubs. Twelve minutes tops. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on S08E12 of The Walking Dead.