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September 11, 2015
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The gross man in your office can't wait to slurp beef stew out of a mug.

You smell that? No it’s not the peanut plant that I’m growing in my desk. That is the smell of the brand new Campbell’s Soup Beef Stew K-cup. That’s right, you heard it here first. Campbell’s and Keurig are teaming up to make delicious soup K-cups.
I can’t wait to walk into the office first thing in the morning, fire up the Keurig in the break room, and make a steaming hot coffee mug of beef stew. How do they get beef chunks in the K-cup? They dehydrate it you numbskull, like the astronauts do. The best part is, the dehydration process doesn’t take away from that delicious beef chunk smell, so the break room, and the area around my desk is going to smell like beef stew all the time.

I know that the beef smell will get old, but don’t worry I’ll switch it up. They offer a ton of flavors. Broccoli cheddar, spicy cream of mushroom, and French onion. With all that variety I think I’m going to go on a soup cleanse. Chris Pratt did it, and look at him, that’s a body only soup could make. The only thing is the detox makes you go number two a lot, and if you want it to work you have to keep track of your movements, and considering you sit next to me I was hoping you’d help me keep a tally.

Now I know what you’re thinking “aren’t K-cups bad for the environment?” They are. Which is why I came up with a fool proof plan to counterbalance my soup-filled carbon footprint. I went out last night and bought a bunch of mugs. Three for every day of the week. That way instead of washing three cups a day, I’ll stack them up all around my desk, and wash fifteen cups at the end of the week, and only use water once. And as always I’ll be following my strict no soap rule. Once that soap gets into the ocean it kills fish. That’s why I never wash my hands.

Also, as you can tell by my bib, I’m going to be spilling a lot of soup considering it’s really hard to get beef chunks in your mouth using only a mug, and no spoon. So I covered my desk in paper towels. I won’t replace them until they’re 100% soaked through with soup, and don’t worry, because once they’re soup soaked I’ll use them for peanut plant fertilizer. Speaking of which, I checked with HR, and I can totally keep the plant and heat lamp in my desk because it’s part of my religion.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a big chicken parmesan lunch, with extra cheese, and garlic. You know, one last meal before the cleanse? I’m riding my bike though, and it’s super hot out, so I hope you don’t mind if I let my helmet air out by suspending it between our desks when I get back. Also I have to change my shirt right here, cause it’s going to be as soaked as a soup soaked paper towel, but with sweat instead of broccoli cheddar. And I would do it in the bathroom, but I’m going to be spending a lot of time in there in the near future.

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