February 17th, 2016
St. George, UTAH- Utah State Supreme Court judge Alexander Sellers dismissed all charges on Friday against validated ISIS member and registered sex offender Myron Finkelberg on the condition that he “never do it again,” reports The Spectrum, USA Today’s affiliate in St. George.
After an hour long speech by the defendant and a heartfelt apology that brought tears to many in the courtroom, the handcuffs were removed and Finkelberg ran into the loving arms of his family whom he had not seen for 6 weeks. The Federal Jury agreed that while there was considerable evidence linking him to the San Bernardino terror attacks and to multiple cases of aggravated sexual assault on a minor, Finkelberg seemed like a “pretty swell guy” and has learned his lesson therefore posing little harm to the community.
“We all make mistakes,” says Lily McCoventry, jury forewoman. “He seems like a nice young man, he just got in with the wrong crowd. We could tell that the ISIS thing was just a phase and I’m sure he’s got the whole child molesting thing out of his system as well. We do stupid things when we’re young, should we be made to pay for them our whole lives?”
While some disagree with the sentence of time served, Judge Sellers issued a stern statement to Mr. Finkelberg warning that if he so much as assist one more extremist group or molest one more child he would be spending up a year in jail and 3 years probation in addition to steep fines. He thanked the judge and offered a pinky swear before leaving the courtroom to a lobby full of reporters.
Myron Finkelberg first moved to Syria to join ISIS in 2011. While attending one of the sponsored training camps, he picked up the disgusting habit of molesting children and has done so repeatedly both abroad and in the US. He has admitted to working with multiple regional terrorist groups and to operating a human sex trafficking ring without a permit. None of that seemed to make much difference to the jury who focused on his winning smile and bubbly personality to reach their verdict.
Finkelberg remained for a few minutes after the proceedings concluded to hug the jury and sign a few autographs. When asked what he plans to do with his newly-gained freedom, he stated that he hopes to attend St. George Community College in the spring and will volunteer his time at the local elementary school to gain credits towards his special-needs teaching credential. While he declined to give an official statement, many are optimistic that his future remains bright and that his best years are still ahead of him.