It’s Movember, the month where men grow facial hair to fight cancer. But what if you’re one of those men who has a hard time growing facial hair? We have a Movember Facial Hair Guide for you!
Wake up. Do not shave. You’re growing a mustache for Movember! Think: “We’re going to beat cancer with Movember!”
Wake up. Do not shave. Realize you’ve never been able to grow a mustache, but maybe this time will be different. And in any case, no matter what happens, you’re going to cure cancer!
Get dinner with friends. They already have healthy stubble, while you only have a blonde patch on your left cheek by your mouth(ish) that sort of qualifies as facial hair. Feel good about your contribution to fighting cancer!
Get a bunch of Movember-related emails from friends and family. Wish cancer never existed. Not because it’s bad, but because then you wouldn’t have to suffer the embarrassment of growing a mustache in November.
Go out for drinks with the guys. Everyone complains about how much their girlfriends hate their prickly faces. Pretend like you can relate, and then quickly change the subject to making fun of men with high-pitched voices.
Watch football with friends. Struggle with what to say when they ask you why you’re not participating in Movember like everyone else.
Get brunch with your girlfriend. She keeps mentioning that you have a little powdered sugar on your face. Fail to admit to her that it’s just your weird patch of blonde hair.
Take a few side-glances at your hairy officemate as he strokes his superhuman Movember ‘stache. Leave the office “sick” when he mentions you’ve been creepily staring at him all day while listening to Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair” on repeat.
Sport a fake, stick-on mustache to your friend’s birthday party, where you instantly become the hit of the party. You’re the center of attention! Everyone loves you!
Wake up hungover. When you rip off the previous night’s fake mustache, you realize you took off the few baby hairs that were growing in. Hate yourself and vow to never drink again.
Buy a bottle of Rogaine, telling the pharmacist that it’s “for a friend.” The pharmacist believes you because you have a ton of hair on your head. Feel ashamed.
Apply Rogaine to your face. Fourteen times. In one hour.
Look in the mirror in the morning. Hey! That Rogaine seems to be working! Reapply Rogaine.
Look in the mirror in the morning. The Rogaine is really making your facial hair grow … right? Reapply Rogaine.
Look in the mirror again. Who the fuck were you kidding with the Rogaine? All you have is that same weird patch of blonde hair.
Drink the rest of the bottle of Rogaine.
Vomit profusely, but realize that you cannot go to the hospital because it would be too embarrassing to admit that you drank a bottle of Rogaine Foam.
Name your weird patch of blonde hair: KING STEVEN!
Go out for drinks with the guys. Everyone complains about their “disgustaches” because people keep comparing them to child molesters. Wish very, very badly that you could look like a child molester.
Watch a bunch of Burt Reynolds movies. Wish you could be a famous man with a mustache.
Watch a bunch of Charlie Chaplin movies. Wish you could be a famous man with a mustache.
Watch a bunch of Hitler documentaries. Wish you could be a famous man with a mustache.
Realize that growing facial hair is a futile endeavor for you. Ball up in a corner and cry about your lack of masculinity. Realize that crying does not help you in the masculinity department. Or maybe it does because real men are okay with crying. It’s complicated.
In complete desperation, cut off some of your pubes and glue them to your face. Pubes and facial hair have a similar consistency! Note: pubes will fall off your face at the following times — while eating, while giving a presentation, while meeting a Tinder date for drinks. Be prepared to accidentally swallow some pubes.
Get angry. Whenever you see any other man who has grown facial hair, punch him in the face.
Spend the day in jail after punching a police officer with a serious ‘stache (unrelated to Movember — it’s just his everyday look). Get molested by a terrifying man with a fantastic amount of facial hair and feel like it’s somehow part of the punishment.
Go home from jail. Cry again. Maybe your tears will act as fertilizer for your facial hair?
Wonder why November can’t have 28 days like February.
Hope that all your friends who have great facial hair don’t beat cancer by growing mustaches, but actually get cancer.
Realize that growing a mustache doesn’t actually do anything to fight cancer. Feel superior to everyone.