This week’s tweets could stand to be a little more fun.
"funeral" and "badminton" should just swap their first 3 letters— Nicholas Gurewitch (@PerryFellow) June 25, 2016
I was just told "everyone at work thinks you're arrogant" but it didn't upset me because I work with a bunch of morons.— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) June 29, 2016
Wow, they just bunched them all onto one star. pic.twitter.com/REFOF3t8es— Daniel Spenser (@DanSpenser) June 28, 2016
Sorry I'm late. I got here too early & sat in my car too long.— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 25, 2016
this guys name is constantly owning him pic.twitter.com/b3oBn2Pfwf— adam crouch (@TheHoshuah) June 24, 2016
A Food Network show where I drive around the U.S. going to roadside diners to see how much tap water I can drink before they ask me to leave— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) June 28, 2016
Currently very jealous of alligators as I want to be a big fuckin lizard who just sits still all the time but people are scared of me.— Jess (@jessokfine) June 28, 2016
This could be bus but you plane pic.twitter.com/83dpTA5WD0— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 25, 2015
I don't have as many fireworks left as I used two— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) June 25, 2016
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them— Mattzilla™ (@mattZillaaaa) December 13, 2015
Crystal Pepsi's what my dad went out for 23 years ago!! This is awesome news!!— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 29, 2016
I may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but I'm also sad as shit and have zero confidence— kelly jean (@kjmeow) June 30, 2016
[1st date]— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 28, 2016
WAITER: Here are your menus
"Just one menu, I'll order for both of us"
HER: That's really sexist
"Oh sorry, just one womenu"
I'm pretty sure these Trump spokesmen are all just Trump in Nutty Professor makeup. pic.twitter.com/ihxzPvVaLZ— Brendan McDonald (@ProducerMcD) June 30, 2016
[at the dolphin store]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 25, 2016
Yeah I'll take that weird looking shark with the asshole on top of its head.
Social status update: just did the "get a load of this guy" gesture to my cat about my dog— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) June 20, 2016
Top 5 high school classes, 2024— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 29, 2016
Gym (jk, gym is for nerds)
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.— Jen Hartinger (@jjhartinger) June 13, 2016
every mistake is a chance to imporve— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) June 28, 2016
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares— (((Michael))) (@Home_Halfway) June 23, 2016
Madison Square Garden sounds like it could be the name of a millennial's daughter.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 30, 2016
Ugh. Worst Wozniak-Jobs biopic yet pic.twitter.com/JxbW6Vw2oz— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) June 30, 2016
I hate it when you're in a public bathroom and the automatic toilet flushes before you are finished crying— niteynite (@hoedeehoe) June 25, 2016
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) May 19, 2016
How am I going to explain to my son that he can't be a Ghostbuster when he grows up now?— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) June 30, 2016
they say if you swallow gum it stays inside your intentines for 7 years, making you feel safe, loved, whole again— Bez (@Bez) June 30, 2016