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February 20, 2015

If you’ve experienced any of these symptoms, you are definitely going bald.


Balding patterns are sometimes hard to predict, but if you’ve experienced any of the following, you are definitely balding and will almost certainly be completely bald by the time you finish this article.

1. You notice lots of hairs on your pillow and in the shower

2. Your mother’s father lost his hair

3. Your scalp itches

4. Your scalp feels like it could itch soon

5. You wore a hat too often as a kid

6. You didn’t wear hats enough as a kid

7. Your father’s mother complains that you don’t call enough

8. You’ve experienced shock, surprise or mild amusement within the last 12 months

9. You enjoy staying in and watching Netflix on a Friday night just as much as you do going out with friends

10. You heard someone laugh in the distance once (they were laughing at how bald you’re going to be soon)

11.You went out with a girl once and you didn’t get a second date (see above)

12. You’ve had a dream in which you’re bald or late to class

13. You think about food sometimes

14. Your friends have started calling you “Bald Freakshow Head McGillicutty”

15. You’re a Spanish grad student, and you live in apartment 3B, and that fedora isn’t fooling anyone

16. You make a regular habit of burning off all of your hairs and covering your scalp in boiling chipmunk saliva (this does NOT prevent baldness. Trust me.)

17. Your dad is half Warlock (unrelated to the balding thing, but thought you should know)

18. You’re an 8-foot-tall woman named Karen who was recently exposed to an almost comical amount of radiation poisoning

19. You’re John Travolta

20. You’ve shown no signs of balding