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June 04, 2011

Real life interview with a brooklyn woman, talking about life, love, and fucking

 Last week I interviewed an attractive, successful and sassy gal from Brooklyn, New York.  She is an independent minded woman in a very serious long term relationship.  I had every intention of conducting a dick & balls oriented interview.  Fortunately, she took control of the interview, emasculating me in the process, touching on some real life topics like relationships, sex, and family.  Not everything on this blog is a dick joke buddy. Two percent is real honest journalism.  The other 98% is dick jokes.  

Time Machine:  So you're one half of a long term relationship.  Do you like your boyfriend?

Tanya: Yes

TM:  How many times a week do you have sex?

Tanya:  We don't see each other every day, but every day we're together we have sex.

TM: How many times a week do you see each other?

Tanya: About 3 or 4 days a week.  We're both very independent people with our own apartments and very busy careers.  We like sleeping in our own beds.

TM: So you have twin beds in your apartment like old people.  When I'm old I'm gonna need plenty of space.  Three days a week sounds like the perfect relationship.  Who wants to see their boyfriend everyday?  I don't.

Tanya:  No, we have our own beds in separate apartments jackass.  We sleep together when we're together.

TM:  Who did you lose your virginity to?

Tanya:  Captain of the lacrosse team freshman year of college.

TM:  That sounds terrible.

Tanya:  It was.  He had the smallest penis I've ever seen (Holding up the infamous pinkie finger for penis comparison)

Side Note: Guys, if girls are holding up a pinkie finger to describe your dick, just go ahead and jump off a bridge right now or find a really tiny vagina.  And no, I'm not condoning sex with minors.  If you're captain of the lacrosse team, you might as well jump off a bridge as well (Unfortunately, there is no solution for that).  If you fulfill both criteria, may God have mercy on your soul.  

TM: Do you hate lacrosse players?

Tanya:  I don't really hate anybody, but if I did, yes, it would be a lacrosse player.

TM:  Correct

TM:  How many boyfriends have you had, and which one had the biggest dick?

Tanya: Three, and the first one.  But my boyfriend now has the perfect penis.

TM:  Explain?

Tanya:  I can't describe it.  I need a visual.

TM:  I'm not showing you my penis...Unless that's what you want.  If that's really what you want I  can...

Tanya:  That is the last thing I wanna see.

TM:  I was just trying to be helpful.  Jeez.

TM:  Are you into role playing?

Tanya:  Yup.

TM:  Anal?

Tanya:  Nope

TM:  Ever been in a threesome?

Tanya:  I was in a very innocent threesome when I was younger.  He ended up having sex with my friend then he came to my room and tried to sleep with me.  I said no obviously.

TM:  No sloppy seconds eh?  I would take thirds, fourths, and fifths.  Whatever they gave me.  I was like a starving Ethiopian excited to eat a sack of wheat.

Tanya:  This interview is lame.  Your questions are boring and mundane.

TM:  That hurts.  I'm trying my best.

Tanya:  Try harder.

TM:  Alright, tell me something you hate about your boyfriend.

Tanya:  I hate when he stares at other women, but when he turns his head to stare at girls I get furious.

TM:  Or jealous?

Tanya:  No, more like disrespected.  I feel embarrassed by his goddamn head turning and gawking.

TM:  Have you suspected him of cheating?

Tanya:  No, but I question his commitment sometime.  I feel like he has a hard time imagining having sex with one person for the rest of his life.  This in turn makes me feel insecure.  That's when our dark sides collide.  His lack of commitment and my insecurity.  We're working on it though.

TM: Do you wanna get married anytime soon?

Tanya:  Not now.  We're not ready for that yet, and I don't want to put that kind of pressure on the relationship.  I'm very happy with us.  I'm lucky to have him and I truly love him.