Leprechauns have been a pest and household nuisance to humans since we first ventured up to Ireland, tens of thousands of years ago. They are a fairly common problem this time of year, and fortunately we have a time-tested solution to catching, killing, and disposing of these nasty, human-like creatures. Not sure if your home is infested with leprechauns? Here are some classic, tell-tale signs:
Signs You Have A Leprechaun Problem
- Food left out has been chewed on.
- Leprechaun feces on countertop, floor, or toilet seat.
- Holes in wall large enough for dog or small man to fit through.
- Fridge or liquor cabinet has been raided and all the good stuff has been taken.
- Scurrying / Irish jig sounds heard late at night.
- Bunch of tiny red pubes coalescing around your shower drain.
- Sounds of two leprechauns chatting or having sex in walls.
- You’ve seen or spoken to a leprechaun.
So you've got a leprechaun — now what?
Find out where they are coming in and out of your home. It is most likely near the huge hole in the wall or a window or the front door.
Set up a standard leprechaun spring trap. They are available in most hardware stores, and are slightly larger than rat traps.
Load the trap with bait. Most foods will work, but so will money and many types of human pornography.
Pull the spring back and set the lever in place. Now whenever the leprechaun reaches for the money or porn, it will trap him.
If you hear a loud snap followed by a man-like scream of “Oh God, no!,” “Fuck, I’m trapped!,” or “Why has this happened? No!,” this indicates that you have trapped a leprechaun.
While mouse and rat traps generally snap rodents' necks, killing them instantly, leprechauns are much larger and tend to reach for the bait with their hands, like a person would. Leprechauns can in some cases grow to up to several feet tall, so the trap probably didn’t kill him, just broke his hand.
When you approach the trapped leprechaun, he’ll probably say something like, “Hey, man, can you help me out?” Do NOT help the leprechaun. Even though he looks like a tiny person, it is important to always think of him as a pest who has infiltrated your home and needs to be eradicated. Swear at him and say “Shut up” if necessary.
The next step is getting the leprechaun out of your home. To do this, you’ll need to subdue him so he won’t fight back. Some leprechauns have the strength of a small man or boy, so before attempting to move the leprechaun, we recommend hitting him on the head or body with a hammer until he is no longer talking and his breathing has become slowed or irregular. This means that he is unconscious. Now you're ready to be move him to a better location for killing (trust me, you don’t want leprechaun blood all over your clean floor).
Note: Remember to keep your hammer with you — it will come in handy later!
Now it’s time to bag up your leprechaun. I recommend standard kitchen trash bags large enough to hold a small man or boy (I always suggest using two bags since their tiny fingers can easily rip through one). While you’re stuffing him in the bag, the leprechaun may moan or mutter things like “Mama,” “Help me, Mama,” or “Please, Jesus” — again, ignore this. Hang in there, you’re doing great!
Once bagged, you’ll want to find a flat, hard surface like a garage, roof, or alleyway. So as not to suffocate the leprechaun (which is inhumane), take him out of the bag and let him get a good look at his new surroundings. This will be the last place he sees.
At this point, your leprechaun has probably regained consciousness and is again begging for its life. Remember, no matter how much it looks and sounds like a small man or boy, it is not human. Leprechauns are nothing more than extremely human-like cockroaches that talk, wear clothing, and beg for their lives.
If the leprechaun tries to plead with you by saying that it has a family, remember, this only means that there are more leprechauns in your home, eating your food and looking at your porno. If possible, try and grill him for the location of his wife and children so you can more quickly dispose of them later. Leprechauns don’t like giving up their families, so some basic torture tactics like stress positions and waterboarding may be required.
Now that you have all the information you need, you can kill him.
Take out your hammer (you held on to it, right? ;) ) and turn it from the flat “subduing” side to the clawed “killing” side. Raise the hammer above your head, and bring it down as hard as you can, aiming for the leprechaun’s head, chest, or belly. If he doesn’t die with the first couple blows, don’t panic! This is normal. Continue hammering the little green bastard with hit after hit for longer than seems necessary.
Don’t stop hitting him, even if he starts to scream “I'm not a leprechaun! I’m a small man (or boy)!” This is simply another dirty leprechaun trick. Just keep pummelling him and stop thinking about it.
Once you are sure the leprechaun is dead (and you’ve castrated him so that even in death, he can no longer reproduce), you’ll need to dispose of the body. As someone who has killed over seven leprechauns, I can tell you that they can be surprisingly heavy (up tp 90 lbs — the weight of a small man or healthy boy), so you may want to ask a friend for help with hoisting the body.
Before your friend arrives, check the leprechaun’s pockets for gold coins or cash, and strip him completely naked so that his corpse looks as undignified as possible.
Wrap the body in a blanket you won’t miss, or in some fresh trash bags, and duct tape either end so the body won’t fall out. I also recommend removing the trap from his broken arm before you bag him, as these can be reused!
Now, toss the body in the trunk of a car, and drive it to a dumpster or wooded area at least two miles away from your home. Take the body out and dump it where ever you see fit. Don’t worry about burying it — the gulls will take care of that — and the bones will serve as a constant reminder to other leprechauns that humans are the dominant species, and, as we have been chosen in God’s image, shall forever reign over this world.
CLEAN UP / PREVENTION
Once you’ve gone back and taken care of the leprechaun’s wife and kids (again, save those traps!) you’ll have gotten rid of your leprechaun infestation. Congratulations!
Keep in mind, however, that the best way to keep leprechauns out for good is to catch and kill them BEFORE they move into your home. The best defense is a good offense! And remember, leprechauns are notoriously sneaky, and may not fit the mold of the “classic” leprechaun. They can be smaller than you, taller than you, look Asian, or even be dressed like police officers — so don’t be tricked! Killing first and asking questions later is the safe, sanitary thing to do. So there you have it! Follow these easy steps, and soon you’ll be the one dancing a jig in your safe, comfortable, leprechaun-free home.