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Published February 11, 2013 More Info »
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Short article due to the lack of shit I give about the pope.
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Published February 11, 2013

It's 3:15 in the morning and I am snorin' like Lauren, and then all of the sudden my phone howls out 3 screeches to let me know the worst news I'VE HEARD SINCE THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION..... Pope Benedict XVI is resigning. I was so upset because I was just woken up to be informed that a guy I could give 9 shits about is quitting, but that's besides the point.

There's one question yet to be answered; who will be the next American Idol? I mean pope. Who will be the next pope? I assume that there will be tons of perverted old guys who will lotion up their hands at the chance to be the next pope. Now, there has been a lot of controversy involving the kids and the touching and the puddin' pops, so maybe JUST MAYBE they decide to go the different direction. Break the mold, so to speak. Bring in a guy with a hard-on (YEAH I SAID IT) for change.

From my knowledge, every pope has looked identical to one another. It's like there's a factory pumping out creepy old men. They need to break the cycle and bring in someone with flair. Someone with pizzazz. Someone who just walks in a room and fills it with spunk (YUP). Another idea; switch up the wardrobe. The hat and the robes, like ew come on AM I RIGHT LADIES!? I mean, what did Britney do? She shaved her damn head for god sakes. What does that have to do with the pope?

Exactly.

The vatican needs to search far and wide for a man who'll step up and bring some change. Sure, a few obvious names come to mind. Mel Gibson. John Kerry. Al Sharpton. That crazy Indian dude from The Predator. We can keep naming perfect candidates for hours. Whoever they decide on, he's got to have charisma, oh and he can't condone the touching of children.

EGGS BENEDICT IS RETIRING OH NO!

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