8 Diseases You Could Contract from Shaking Herman B Wells’ Hand
By: Kaitlyn Blansett
“Come, sit with me. Take a load off. What’s your name, traveler? Mine’s Wells, Herman B. Nice to meet you. Let’s engage in a handshake so we will forever remember this encounter of chance.” –Herman B Wells 1902-2000
Every student at Indiana University is familiar with the uncomfortably friendly bronze statue of Herman B. Wells who sits, awaiting the company of a mid-thesis-crisis grad student or the new-to-town freshman, searching for inspiration, or perhaps just a friend.
And while it is a comforting thought to know that our very first IU Chancellor will always be there for us, with an endearing smile and arm extended, know that danger lurks. In this time of epidemic in our academic world, it is important that the public stay informed in order to make safe decisions regarding their health. Therefore, after extensive research and case studies, we have compiled a list of diseases that have been, could have been, might have been, and possibly may still be contracted from contact with Herman B Wells’ famous handshake.
1. The Common Cold
It’s getting to be that time of year again! Want to protect yourself from the common cold? How about NOT shaking the hand of the guy that EVERY parent and visiting high school senior wipe their nasty paws on? Seriously, let’s consider this for a second.Take the number of parents and kids in each incoming freshman IU tour, times the number of Red Carpet Days, taken to the tenth power in order to calculate the number of pictures taken with the handshake that had to be retaken because someone blinked, and add that to the number of semester crises and students whose last hope is the rumored good academic luck of shaking this statue’s hand, and you have a huge number of dirty, germy, touristy, lazy, delusional germs just waiting to give you the sniffles.
Yeah that’s right. Not that yearly “flu” you get the day your midterm paper is due or the day your step-sister gives birth to her firstborn, but your step-sister has always been kind of a bitch so why should you have to be there and you’re “sick” anyway. This is straight-up, real-talk, early 20th century IN-FLU-EN-ZA. Herman B Wells was born in 1902. Influenza was probably his PhD dissertation defense gone wrong. Don’t go pulling an Edward Cullen on me (for those of you who don’t know Edward Cullen is the vampire from Twilight who almost tragically died of the Spanish Influenza epidemic in 1918 but was miraculously saved by vegetarian vampire Carlisle and after a little less than 100 years met Bella Swan, a human with whom he fell tragically and irrevocably in love).
3. Head Lice
You know that kid in preschool that accidentally gave the class lice and then you started calling him Lice Boy but it wasn’t really his fault because he kind of came from a dirty home but at the same time you’re like “Fuck this guy. He gave me head lice and now I have to miss the church Christmas pageant. I was supposed to be the head angel but fuck that now I guess.” Herman B Wells is that guy.Don’t make him make you be that guy.
Let’s play a game. First, guess the number of MILFs and hot daughters have shaken Mr. Wells’ hand.Now try and guess how many of him he hasn’t fucked. He probably boned a good majority of them. I’m guessing he has mad game. Maybe he plays the “Do you wantto make sure that your son/daughter gets into IU? Step into my bronze office” card. I don’t know. But are you going to put your hand in this ball-ass playa’s hand? No. Protect yourself against STI’s and don’t touch this guy’s hand. For more information not regarding STI’s,click here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_garbage_patch
5. Cat-scratch Disease (CSD)
According to the Wisconsin Department of Health Services, this is an actual disease. We can safely assume that this is a disease similar to the flu, the only difference being instead of projectile vomiting stomach nasties, one projectile vomits kittens. If I could projectile vomit anything it would be kittens. Maybe this one isn’t so bad.
And you thought choleraonly happened in 19th centuries and third-world countries. Fool.
It is a well-known fact that many famous people have died from tuberculosis, including Andrew Jackson,Eleanor Roosevelt, and Jane Austen. It is a little known fact that they all contracted the disease after shaking Wells’ hand for good luck when they visited Indiana University throughout the 19th and 20th centuries. But then again, if it was good enough for Eleanor Roosevelt and Jane Austen, isn’t it good enough for you? Don’t be pretentious. Andrew Jackson was a dick. Click on the link for more information on him screwing Native Americans over. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Removal_Act
Ah, the most recent government conspiracy. “Ebola” is an “epidemic” in “Africa” and is spread through “contact” with the blood or “bodily fluids” of an infected animals or “people”. Seeing that our beloved Herman B Wells is both a party animal and a bronze-covered human, the FDA has require me to add this “virus” to this list. Although your chances of catching this particular “virus” are “slim”, it’s always better to be “safe” than “sorry”.
Well, as the age-old saying goes, “The man who will shake hands with any man is no friend of mine. But a man who will shake hands with a dirty bronze statue is a damn fool. Brush your teeth three times a day and stay in school, children.”