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May 05, 2009

According to Wikipedia, Cinco de Mayo is a regional holiday in Mexico, commemorating the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Whoever wrote the Wikipedia article goes on to say that the outnumbered Mexicans defeated a much better-equipped French army that had not been defeated in almost 50 years. But sadly, the victory only delayed the French invasion of Mexico City, and a year later, the French occupied Mexico. Of course, like with every other pussy country out there, it wasn't until old Uncle Sam intervened that the French actually got their asses out of Mexico, and it became the Independent party nation we know today. So FYI -- you're welcome, Mexico.

But anyway, because of the holiday I would like to take this opportunity to talk about Mexicans and their contributions to America. I've been living in Los Angeles for the last nine years so I know first hand how hardworking Mexicans are. They do everything.  And by everything, I mean everything. They make our food. They clean our homes. They keep our neighborhoods looking beautiful. They just love to work. And I'm not kidding -- I can't even drive my pick-up truck into a Home Depot parking lot without fifteen fresh-over-the-border Mexicans fighting for shotgun position because they think I'm a shady contractor hiring cheap, illegal labor. But the point is, Mexicans don't care what the job is. They're proud and hungry for work, and will do whatever it takes to make a better life.

And beyond the manual labor that other Americans are too lazy to do, Mexicans are also leaders in our community. They're educators. They're doctors. They protect us and they defend us. So to all the Mexicans reading this blog, thank you and Happy Cinco de Mayo! Take the night off. Take the week off. Take the whole year off. You deserve it.

That being said, let me ask you this: Why is Mexico the biggest shit hole dump? Seriously. I've been there several times on vacation, and these are the three things I know from visiting:

1) A lot of the country smells like raw sewage, which is a polite way of saying it smells like shit.
2) Roughly 92 % of the country does not have any paved roads.
3) You can't flush toilet paper down most toilets in Mexico.

How lame is that?? Especially the part about not being able to flush toilet paper. And I use baby wipes because I like to feel extra fresh after taking a dump. What am I supposed to do now?? But more importantly, why is Mexico so dirty and stinky when 60 % of its workforce cleans???

It got me thinking. Is it that way because all the hardworking Mexicans, who want a better life, cross the border into America, while all the lacksidasical Mexicans, who don't mind a basket of shit-covered toilet paper next to their toilet, stay in Mexico and run for public office??

I guess we'll never know. But there is one thing I do know -- I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo by eating two crispy chicken tacos at my favorite Mexican restaurant, El Compadre, located on Sunset Boulevard. Probably not tonight though. It's gonna be really busy, and I don't like being in a room full of Mexicans, but definitely sometime this week. And when I take a shit forty-five minutes after eating, I'm gonna wipe my ass with baby wipes and flush it down a toilet -- because that's what we do in America!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!