The debate over foie gras, a decadent dish made from the fattened livers of geese that are violently force-fed corn mash, has heated up again in California. After a ban on the controversial delicacy was overturned, activists and lawyers are seeking to outlaw the production of foie gras in the state once and for all.
The simple solution to the whole issue is right under our noses: Just make foie gras from the livers of inmates who are going to be executed anyway.
Look, I 100% agree — it is incredibly cruel and unusual to keep geese and ducks in cages barely bigger than their bodies and force-feed them corn slurry until their livers are so bloated and distended that they can hardly breathe. But if in 32 states we’re already going to keep actual human beings in cages barely bigger than their bodies and subject them to the cruel and unusual punishment of state-sponsored execution anyway, we may as well cram warm corn mush down their throats and then serve their freakishly engorged livers at three-Michelin-Star restaurants across the country.
After all, this is the year 2015! We can’t still be engaging in despicable, barbaric practices like using waterfowl for foie gras production! What it boils down to is this: Why should completely innocent animals needlessly suffer and die when there are possibly innocent people who are already going to needlessly suffer and die, regardless?
Additionally, the appeals system involved in putting an inmate to death costs far, far more than incarcerating that same inmate for the rest of his life. But selling his corn-fattened liver at a premium to The French Laundry in Napa Valley would help defray some of these costs and lessen the burden on taxpayers.
Another important thing this issue forces us to consider is our national legacy. In other words, who else is going to lead the way on such a bold initiative? We certainly can’t expect Cote D'Ivoire, Timor-Leste, or the several other Third World countries that have completely abolished the death penalty to step up to the plate in regard to selling their prisoners’ organs for human consumption. It falls to the United States, and United States alone, to get the ball rolling.
And if you somehow need even more convincing, an added bonus of eating foie gras made from a death row inmate’s liver is that the restaurant patron will be treated to a certain provenance that he or she wouldn’t get with an anonymous waterfowl — something wealthy diners love. Remember, this delicacy will have come from what was once a living, breathing person, with hopes and fears and likes and dislikes and loved ones, and maybe even children — in a lot of ways, someone just like you! So as you can imagine, a gourmet dinner will come with an entire back story, as outlined in this fictional scenario:
WAITER: “And the foie gras this evening comes from a Texas man convicted of a double homicide and sentenced to death. He maintained his innocence until his execution by lethal injection, carried out last week after his appeal was rejected to have his case retried based on new DNA evidence.”
WEALTHY DINER 1: “Will the drugs used to kill him affect the flavor?”
WAITER: “No, sir. His liver was removed immediately prior to his execution.”
WEALTHY DINER 2: “Did he cry?”
WAITER: “Yes, ma'am. But he maintained a certain inspiring nobility during his final moments.”
WEALTHY DINER 2: “Oh, that sounds lovely! We’ll have that.”
So, as you can see, this is really the best solution for both geese and rich people alike. And once we pass this threshold, the sky’s the limit in terms of cannibalizing society’s “undesirables,” all the while sparing our domesticated animals from undue cruelty. Orphans will be our veal! The homeless will be our … homeless nuggets!
And we can also still jam corn down geese’s throats and devour their bloated livers. I mean, once you start eating people, all bets are off.