In light of Facebook’s disastrous IPO and ensuing lawsuits, CEO Mark Zuckerberg has resigned and gone into hiding, likely somewhere in the Pakistan-Aghgan border region, officials report.
Pakistani foot soldiers claim they've spotted a “pasty Jew” in flip-flops and Gap hoody in the region. Other locals have found algorithms written on cave walls, alongside empty beer bottles and stacks of Asian porn.
President Obama has acted promptly, dispatching SEAL Team 6 to hunt down the 29-year-old billionaire in a mission officials are calling “Operation Defriend.”
Facebook VP Jay Parikh announced the social network has already hired Jesse Eisenberg to replace Zuckerberg as CEO. “He’s a fine actor," Parikh said in a press conference today, "and does a spot on Zuckerburg... So, we’re in good hands."
In related news, MySpace shares are up 600%.