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September 30, 2017
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Sometimes you just need some back up.

Conan: Can we get him?
Me: No.
Conan: Come on, man. He’d be perfect.
Me: Perfect? Perfect for what?
Conan: Similar height and size. The color is an exact match.
Me: The color is not an exact match.
Conan: With my color spectrum it is.
Me: That’s fair. But why?
Conan: I’ve been searching for a stand-in for years and this guy would work perfectly.
Me: First off, you have not been searching for years. You aren’t even three yet. Second…off? Secondly? What’s the right term?
Conan: For the secondly time?
Me: It’s not important. What is important is what the hell do you need a stand-in for?
Conan: I have a busy schedule. Sometimes I can’t be in two places at once. It’d be nice to have someone to fill in at the more boring events.
Me: You realize that this is a stuffed animal right? That’s not actually alive, right?
Conan: Yeah, of course I’m not delusional.
Me: And you think people are stupid enough to think this is you?
Conan: I think you’re stu…*cough* *cough* um, so yeah.
Me: Hold up. You want this thing to fill in for you with me?!?!
Conan: Look, it’s not like I was gonna use him all the time.
Me: You shouldn’t use him once!
Conan: Dude, it’s just that sometimes I need a break.
Me: A break from me?!?
Conan: More like a time out.
Me: Why would you need a time out from me?
Conan: Can we just drop it?
Me: No, tell me.
Conan: Fine. You’re exhausting sometimes.
Me: How am I exhausting?
Conan: Seriously?
Me: Yes.
Conan: Last week you made me watch an “Antique Roadshow” marathon for 6 hours! 6 hours of watching old people talk about older people’s stuff! That is exhausting!
Me: But it was the British version! That’s the good one!
Conan: The good version of an antique show is no version!
Me: You’re ridiculous.
Conan: Can we just get the dog?
Me: Not now that I know why you want it!
Conan: Ugh.
Me: I was going to let you skip the Ken Burns documentary on the Dust Bowl but not now. We’ll start when we get home. It’s 14 hours long.
Conan: Dear God. Look, just take the dog and try him out. I’ll stay here and greet people.
Me: Nope. Let’s go.
Conan: Crap. Can I at least get a decent intermission? Last time I barely had enough time to take care of my business.
Me: We’ll see.

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